One of y biggest self limiting thoughts that has held me back in life is my struggle with Body Dimorphic Disorder. Ya'll I was a big ole girl growing up, I was bullied, made fun of, laughed at, my brother and one of his friends went so far to say they would kick my ass for being so fat. What can I say, Moon pies were my drug and my supplier was parked in the driveway. The more I was made fun of, the more I argued with my mom, the more I ate. I looked at myself in disgust all the time. I was gross, I was fat, and that made me unlovable. Training your brain to feel these things at a very young age shapes in many ways the person you become later in life and shapes how you deal with any insecurity.
I decided the summer before I went to middle school I was going to work out like a mutha, eat as little as possible and start Middle School, thin, pretty, and worthy of friends. I did it. I lost all of the weight and then some and so began the habit of starvation and over exercise. I went from one extreme to another b/c no one really taught me to love myself, I was taught to care what others think, don't be weak, be as perfect as possible b/c it will reflect on my parenting. My dad, I knew loved me regardless of my size but as a child, and a people pleasing one at that, the negative rang louder than any support.
That's a fast way to set a child up for a life of pain and failure. Failure is ok, it is ok to fail b/c in doing so you learn how to pick yourself up and win, if you are aware and fearless enough. Failure wasn't the problem the connotation of pain is what broke me down and broke me as a person. I hid my pain through making people laugh, being the funny girl. I hid my pain by not eating, and by the time I was 14 I was 5'6 and weighed 98 lbs. I was sick, gaunt, and unhappy as hell.
After much therapy I was able to put some weight on and be more healthy. Never-the-less, the sad little bullied fat girl remained in the back of my head waiting for those moments when I was feeling out of control in life. Up until recently I kept her tucked away. I still would look at myself in the mirror and pick apart all of the bad things about my body. This is fat, no amount of exercise will ever change that. I need plastic surgery, my ass looks like its been beat up by a bag of nickles. I will never be thin and beautiful.... but I will go exercise my ass off. I will eat less and I will be unhappy bc I am hungry and tired.
Its a very slippery slope down back into bad choices for my health. So upon reading The Self Love Experiment and wanting to move past all of the self limiting talk, I realized I can use these thoughts to hold me back or I can use it to define me and nudge me into a deeper awareness and appreciation of all the amazing things this body has brought me. I am stronger than my struggle and the pain and suffering will not define me. It needs me to validate its existence but I don't need it to validate mine.
Of Course sometimes I look at myself and I think of all the things that I hate how it looks. A tummy tuck would fix this botox would fix that.... I am built wide so aint nothing going to fix that... but then I ask my self... is a tummy tuck going to make me a better person? Why would it take that for me to be ok with myself. No, I accept the way I am and the way God made me and I will love myself unconditionally b/c that is what I deserve. I deserve to be happy and to be loved and my love for myself has nothing to do with how others see me.
I have to let go of the fear of the outcome. I have to stop with the "almost paradise" the intention of becoming ...focusing on the lack of attaining, I'll be happy when I ______, I'll be happy when I lose weight... but when I lose it theres something else to fix next. We circle our life trying to find something to fix as paradise will give us a happy ending. In the meantime we are waiting on these external factors to make us happy, and we decide to settle. Once you know that the paradise is in you there isn't anymore talk of once I get a tummy tuck I will be desirable again, or when I lose ten but think another 5 will be even better I can stop comparing myself to unhappy women paid to starve themselves and be miserable or just have a different build, metabolism, etc... doesn't mean there isn't an inward struggle for them.
I am unique. My body is like no one else's. It has had babies, it has lost babies, it has carried children, it has fought off attackers, it has got me to where I need to be and every line, muscle, dimple, or scar is a reminder that I have seen some shit and I have gotten through it. I have earned the right to love myself and love my body unconditionally. Sometimes its a struggle to feel this way, then something inside you clicks as you look at your body in the mirror and think of how powerful it really is. It has taken me on some of the most amazing hikes in so many places where I have seen things that if I got stuck in my own way, might never have seen. It has been treated so poorly by my own self loathing actions yet still won't let me down. I feel the need to apologize to every inch of me and treat this amazing temple the way it should have been treat all along.
So, one of my biggest areas of self loathing has turned into self love. It hasn't been easy, but its the journey, the failure, the victory over shame that has gotten me to this point and I am ok with it.
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