When I was a child I heard over and over, "I wish I married Nelson Armstrong, he ended up being rich and having nice things, they don't worry for anything, he asked me to marry him and I said no and now look at me". You want to know what was really fucked up about that? We weren't poor at the time... we were later, but when mom was going on about how she should have married him we were actually doing just fine. I remember sitting there saying things like, "but mom we are healthy and love each other" or "if you married him you wouldn't have me", her answers were typically as shitty as the things she said. I grew up knowing that money was more important than me, and unless I was giving her money I was a bother.
Now, I know she loved me. She was beaten and mentally abused by her mother, she had her own abandonment issues and never learned to love herself, but, none-the-less no child should hear things like that. Subsequently when I started working I started paying my parents bills. I had hoped that would earn her love. As a Senior in High School I was working 2 to 3 jobs just so I could do so and maybe put back for college. When I had to wait a year to go, so I could continue to save, mom was so disappointed b/c I didn't go straight away. I am rolling my eyes as I type.
Had she married Nelson Armstrong, none of that would have happened b/c I would have never existed. In her head she would be rich and life would be carefree. Her reality was I have to control everything and everyone and because I didn't do what I should have I will make sure you do what I want you to. Obviously that didn't pan out for her either. She never learned how to be ok with her choices, instead she wanted to control everyone else's. She was so insecure with her self she allowed control to wreck her life... up until the day she died. Had she addressed her own insecurities, maybe she would have felt less like a victim.
So it hit me today, how do I love myself? I let go of control.... that simple, it really is. I am no where near the control freak my mom was, but when I worry about money... I get a lil crazy. I never want my children to feel like I did growing up, walking on egg shells until mom's bank account is sufficient. Not to mention any time in my life I have gotten to a point where money was getting low, God always came through. It was always when I let go and gave it to God. When I did that it felt like the weight of the world was gone. I let go and I gave it to God, like we are supposed to do. How can I allow elation into my heart if I am holding on to something I can't control??
I do have a diminutive list of things I am a control freak over. It's mostly organization, and when my husband and I are arguing and I want to fix it then move on, and he wants to wait then wait and maybe a wait a little more, I bare down. Maybe for him that is a point of control, it certainly is bringing no one solace, so yet another example of how control robs us of having true bliss in our hearts. Let go and let God is what they say. It's not easy, but I do have proven results. So why do I continue to hold on so hard???
Fear, fear is what makes me hold on and the "what ifs". That's not going to work anymore. Identifying it gives me no excuse to continue the reverence of letting go. Holding on to control makes me feel like I have a direction and what it really does is send me into chaos. Anything could happen at any time and wipe everything away. I have no control over that. I do however, have control of how I bob and weave through what life hands me. If I could get through the hell I went through with my parents care and death and not try to control everything around me, most everthing else really seems pale in comparison.
Trying to control things in life by giving too much and not allowing anyone to give back is how I have tried to control not turning into my mom. If I sacrifice, and give, and give, sacrifice some more and take nothing for myself, I can control not turning into my mom. If I hate money and wealth then I can control not depending on it for my own happiness. It simply is not how things work is it? If I give and allow life to give back I open my heart to an elation that will fill it to the brim. After all it takes a stronger person to ask for help. Sometimes I do need help, I have always found a way to help myself, but maybe its okay to let someone be there for me for once.
I desperately need someone to be there for me now, my sister has been such a shoulder but I know, I can't depend on just her. When help is offered I will be vulnerable and accept it. Maybe allowing someone to help me satisfies a need in them, maybe they have been through what I am going though, maybe I was there for them and they simply want to be there for me. What ever it may be, I have to let go and let love and peace into my heart and trust that I know the boundary of what is selfish and what is self love.
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