Sounds easy right? Being concerned for your well being, so what is that? Well-Being is the state of being comfortable, healthy, or happy.That doesn't sound so easy, or at least there are things in life that make it hard. I've been reading a book called the self love experiment. I have had issues with it off and on my whole life, mainly b/c I am a people pleaser and base my opinion of myself on what others think about me. Chiefly my mom was the start of this poor behavior. Always reminding me not to wear certain things, act certain ways, don't say the wrong thing, you shouldn't have these short comings.... because what would people think. When I rebelled and went against that personality suppressing rule... well, whoa be unto me.
This set up a pattern and in several ways in most of my relationships I have feared being myself was not enough. Looking at someone to make sure what was said didn't catch a glare of disapproval. I have not been good enough for more people than I have been good enough for. I can count on one hand the people in my life I have been good enough for and when the feeling of self hate takes hold, self destruction follows in its wake. For the past year and a half I have felt not good enough. The reasons why don't really matter but simply in many ways just not worthy.
I have felt like a worthy mom, I will say I won't completely question my mom life. I fiercely love my kids, and I regret some of my choices and directions I have made them go with me, but they are quick to remind me, I walked through hell for them, they would gladly go with me if I had to again. I know I am a good mom, and I will always do everything in my power to make sure they are happy and well rounded. I have given them and others advice, I myself need to start taking.
You are enough, you are important, you matter to me, matter to yourself, love your body it gets you out of bed, it gets you to school, work, to run and have fun. You can't take care of your body if you don't love it. God made you special, he made you unique so, if someone or something so powerful only made 1 of you, why do you not see how much you matter?? Then I stop and I think fuck... why can I not see this in myself? I used to, I did at one time but it slowly went away.
So I started digging to see where it started and as above I came to the conclusion it started with my mom. When children are raised with constant beratement, without the psychological or physical protection they need and certainly deserve, it is most natural for them to internalize incredible fear. Not receiving the necessary psychological or physical protection equals abandonment. And, living with repeated abandonment experiences creates toxic shame, this arises from the painful message implied in abandonment: "You are not important. You are not of value." This is the pain from which people need to heal.
Emotional abandonment occurs when parents do not provide the emotional conditions and the emotional environment necessary for healthy development. Like when I had to hide a part of who I was in order to be accepted, or to not be rejected.
Having to hide a part of yourself means: it is not okay to make a mistake. it is not okay to show feelings, being told the way you feel is not true. "You have nothing to cry about and if you don't stop crying I will really give you something to cry about." "That really didn't hurt." "You have nothing to be angry about."it is not okay to have needs. Everyone else's needs appear to be more important than yours it is not okay to have successes. Accomplishments were not acknowledged, and many times discounted.
I could never live up to her expectations. These expectations were unrealistic and not age-appropriate.I was held responsible for other people's behavior like when my mom would walk out the door and leave saying she would never come back b/c my brother and I fought too much. Then actually left and didn't come back when I was 18 leaving me homeless. I was consistently blamed for the actions and feelings of my parents. Disapproval toward me was aimed at my entire being or identity , kind of like telling me I was stupid when I didn't understand my math homework. That is fucked up and painful and in so many ways I have let it affect me, how I see myself and that I don't want my friends or children to feel that way ever!
I don't want to let this affect me b/c I want to be happy and I want to see myself like my children and my friends do. I don't want self limiting opinions to control me. Take me, or leave me.... So I dug deep into the things I ignore and decided to make a list of all of the good things about me, that I have been told and that I don't allow myself to feel.
1. I am a kind caring person
2. I love to dive into charitable causes and help those that need it the most
3. I am a good mom (I'm not a regular mom. I am a cool mom lol)
4. I am a good friend and though I am not perfect I am a loyal loving wife
5. My body has been stretched and punished and kicked and puked on and it looks pretty fucking good for the hell I have put it through and I have earned and appreciate every last mark!
6. I have unlimited faith
7. I may be pissy and unrelenting but I absolutely love unconditionally and fight for those I love, I don't give up on those I love.
8.I work hard to get what I want... and I get what I want
9. I am funny as hell, though inappropriate at times, you will laugh at my ridiculousness
10. I love to have fun. I love to take in the beauty of the world around me
11. I am compassionate
12. I find something good in everyone and importance in everything
13. I take care of my body aside from over indulging in wine on occasion
14. My daughter says I am a transcendentalist.... so I guess that is a plus.
15. I am humble unless I am fighting with Lee.... but damnit I am working on it.... seee that is my humility
The list of things that hold me back was much longer but I am not giving it time. I am worthy of better, I am worthy of being treated well, and I am worthy of love. So starts the Self Love Journey. I get what I want and I want to love who I am and fuck anyone who cant see it!
No comments:
Post a Comment