Worst Thanksgiving Ever!

At the ripe old age of 19 in 1997, I was going through my first real trial. I was working 3 jobs, going to college full time, and living where ever I could find a bed. My mom had moved back down to Georgia with little notice, and I had just gotten done nursing my dad back to health after several strokes. He was getting prepared to go back to Georgia with mom after the holidays, I was getting prepared to "live in sin" with my fiance mostly because it was that or quit college.

That Thanksgiving for me at the time was the worst I had ever experienced. Oh to be young tired and full of energy. I was in school full time and working 3 jobs barely holding myself together. That Thanksgiving I had been up for almost 48 hours working and getting ready for finals. I would have been thankful for a full 5 hours of sleep but that wasn't what was intended for me. Three was more like what I got. Looking back on the whole thing, I feel like such a spoiled brat, but we will get to that. 

Thanksgiving has always been mom's thing. She loved to cook, she would plan months in advance to get ready. That year she made a special effort to come home. Her friend was on a mission trip, and needed a house sitter. She was able to talk mom into it and a part of me was glad because it was another turkey day with my family. Another part of me knew what my schedule was going to be like and had no clue how I was going to make it all work. 

I was using my third shift position at the mental hospital to study, and going straight to school from there. Then from school I had to fall into my job at the Gap. Five Hour Energy was my friend those days. That year I had planned on staying with mom at her friends house because it was a comfortable bed to sleep in for 3 days. Well, what sleep I was going to get that is.

That morning when I got home, mom was already cooking. It was 7am and I was so tired I wanted to cry. I stammered into the room I was staying in, fell in the bed with my clothes on, and went straight to sleep. I had been up for almost 2 days straight. mom came in to remind me I wasn't going to get to sleep for long because we would be eating soon. I begged her to at least let me get 5 hours.

Three hours later she was waking me up to go in and eat with them, (they liked to eat early so they could eat again that night). I was half livid, half in tears, and still half-asleep. I knew that I had to go back to my bartending job that night so I would not be able to go back to sleep after we ate. At this point I no longer even cared about Thanksgiving, I didn't care about food, I didn't care about anything but getting some rest.

I didn't know that it would be the last Thanksgiving that I would speak my mom for the next 3 years. That's three years of time that I can't get back. A lot of it was her fault, a lot of it was my fault, because it takes two people to dissolve a relationship.. but as I said at that moment I wasn't thinking about the future, I was only thinking about the present. I was being a spoiled brat.

Yesterday after eating just myself and my husband, thinking about all the thanksgivings that I've had the good and the bad, that one came to the front of my mind. I suppose the lesson from the story is even though we're going through something at the time that seems to be the end of the world, it can always get worse. That's not to take away from the trouble you are going through, you have a right to feel it and live through it, but don't wallow in it.

Always remind yourself that things in the future can be worse. When my parents passed away and I had to start experiencing Thanksgiving without my mom. We had our silly little quirky things we did that I will always miss. And as the old adage says, " if I had known then what I know now", I may not have acted like such a whiny butt. I was tired, it was my first real bout of complete exhaustion, but I sat there at that table and cried through the whole entire dinner, making everybody miserable, being a giant brat when I should have just sucked up enjoyed it and pushed through.

Sometimes in life we get stuck in what we're going through, when we should just suck it up and push through. My ex husband's grandmother used to always say, "this too shall pass", and I'm so glad I heard her say that. That has been a huge part of how I get through any tough time in life. Through the stress, through the unbearable stress, through the sadness or exhaustion I always remind myself this too shall pass. In the moment it's terrible but everyday you roll out of that bed and put your feet on the floor is another day to get it right and improve upon the one before.

That Thanksgiving for me was the worst ever and it was my fault. It was my fault because instead of enjoying something that I was actually thankful, for I pissed and moaned through the whole thing. I wish I could go back and enjoy that dinner and have that day back, but there is no looking back because what's done is done, and lessons are learned. In the spirit of Thanksgiving I will say I am very thankful that I have had those bad times, and I had the good times that made those seem insignificant. I am thankful for my failures because without them I wouldn't learn how to win, I am thankful for the hard times because without them how would I know to appreciate the good times.

I end this blog by saying we all have something to be deeply thankful for. In the coming holiday season there are many people who are cold and hungry, who are thankful for the clothes on their back. No matter how they got to that place,we should bless them by giving back. If you see a homeless person or know someone in need, give them a blanket, give them food, clothes, pray with them, and give them hope. One of the many things.... probably the thing I am thankful for the most is Hope.  When you give someone hope you give them a greater gift than anything money could buy.

Self Love Journey Lucky #7

As I round out my personal self love journey, I appreciate everyone who read these posts and support me. It means so much to surround yourself with people that give a damn and want the best for you. Also before I continue, for my husband... Yes we are ok, anything I posted about divorcing or problems are based off of my previous marriage, or things I have seen friends go through recently. Sure we fight and have our ups and downs and want to kick each other in the balls, but when I said till death do us part, I meant... he's only getting out of this by death parting us lol.

That being said, marriage is a very easy way to lose ones identity. We meet someone, we like them, we find things in common, and sometimes through infatuation we change ourselves to please them. Let me just go ahead and say that never works long. At some point we come back to who we are out of laziness or, we sink to a low point of being upset, depressed, or angry and not knowing who we have become or why. I definitely lost it in my first, and though I have been 95% me married to Sasquatch, there is that 5 I lost somewhere along the way.

This go around, abandonment and worry took over my personality and prevented me from being myself and enacting loving myself. I pushed a lot of people away b/c abandonment will do that to you. Those of you that have known me for so many years know, that's not me. Before I lost my parents and a few friends, a couple of aunts.... and a couple of friendships, I was a bubbly hugger, unafraid of putting myself out there. People would call me crazy, but it was a good crazy, that likable crazy like the girl who loves to sing Sir Mix A lot songs when ever she's around a karaoke machine.

Abandonment and trauma made me feel insanely out of control. So I hatched up the wonderful "control freak" personality. I will say, and my husband may disagree, that I was not the battle ax asshole wife with a leash on her husband control freak. It was mainly stupid things that caused worry, that brought the abandonment to the surface and the fear of failure, leaving this world one day no better than I found it. When my therapist said she noticed my light was gone... I knew I needed to snap out of it.

So I started learning about myself, about life coaching and through that the answers all bubbled to the top. Trying to figure out how to love myself was really scary, I didn't want to have the answer because I didn't understand it. So my first effort was to make a list of all of the negative things I see about myself that I want to change. Out of that list a very small percentage was internal. Once I had that laid out I wrote next to it, the good in the bad. It looked a little something like this....

My c-section scar makes my abs look like shit, they will never look good and its embarrassing...
My c-section scar is an amazing reminder of the work I did with God for 18 months forming the two most amazing things I have ever created.

My arms have bat wings and no amount of push ups has changed that.
I have arms, I can use them to hug people, give necessity bags to the needy, hold my children and grand children one day, they do so much for me.

I feel abandoned and alone, a lot... I miss my parents, I really wish I could hug my dad
I AM so lucky to have had him for the 35 years I did, and even though my mom and I had our issues there are still many good things she taught me that have helped me in life and will continue to do so. I am not alone, only when I shut people out am I alone.

Y'all that felt so good to write that list, it proved that there is always a positive in what we see as negative. It helped me to realize love and appreciation is way more powerful that self limiting fears and self loathing. I wanted to be happy and feel better, and it felt better. Our insecurities are not us. They are a false perception of ourselves and we should love our insecurities. I was laughed at and made fun of for being fat most of my childhood. My dad even called me thunder thighs thinking it was funny and though he wasn't trying to be hurtful... it was. I carried that with me for a very long time. Shedding that self limiting idea and insecurity honestly made me feel like this giant weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

Every time I look at my body now, I thank it, I appreciate it and I don't compare it to anyone. I pray more, and in doing so I worry less. I gave up my control. What good was it doing for me, and slowly the 5 % is coming back. It won't happen over night for sure, its something that is more like a bad habit. I am still moving forward every day because I deserve to be happy, and I know the crazy lady inside is ready to jump right back to the for front. We can't blame our spouses for when we change, we only have control over ourselves. When we enter into any relationship and change who we are for that person, it's already setting up for failure and pain, and its your fault. If you are not happy with yourself, you will never ever be happy with anyone at all, not matter the relationship.

We need to be happy with who we are. You know the saying from Field of Dreams "if you build it they will come"... If you build yourself up and you are happy with who you are the right people come along and stick around. The ones who don't? Well you can with zero guilt, unapologetic tell them not to let the door hit them where God split them. It's a life long process and people will always try to tear you down. Its happened to me since I have started my journey, but.... I refuse to yield to myself standing in my way b/c.... I AM ENOUGH!

Self Love Journey #6 Offended by fear

Have you ever really wondered why we get offended by things in life? Its not something I really thought about until here recently. I think we get offended by things people may say because it takes us back to a place where we still need to heal ourselves. Growing up my parents would call me stupid and sometimes would treat me like I was stupid. I had a very difficult time with math, it was a second grade teacher that taught it to me where I could finally understand. A year after in the third grade I tested into the gifted program, my mom had no faith in me that I would be able to handle it. When she took that faith I let her have it.

I've always known that I am smart, I after all did test into those classes, later in high school graduating with honors. Today when someone insinuates that I am not a smart person, I know it is them with the problem not me. I am not going to let their insecurities or opinions change what I know about myself. In my day 5 post I made the point that we shouldn't depend on others to see the reflection of ourselves. I actually think its a point I have shared multiple times in this journey. Calling me stupid, dumb, or treating me as if I am unintelligent really is no longer offensive b/c I accept myself. I need no ones approval.

Maybe peoples opinions or judgments of others are coming from a place of their own insecurities. Why should we let them take our self love b/c they are insecure? I have several times in my life been told, "Keleigh you are better than that" it used to grate my nerves. Now looking back I think, "Apparently I am not better than that b/c those are my feelings, they matter so suck it, agree to disagree". When you accept that stuff into your heart you start making excuses for your behavior.

Excuses are based from fear and used a  reason to stay comfortable in the uncomfortable place you reside. When we say things like, "I am afraid I will fail at this" What fear is telling you is you shouldn't even try.  "If I try hard and fail I will be devastated", fear is saying," Well you can try but there is only so much you can do". When you think to yourself, "Ugh this is going to take too much effort", fear is telling you "It's not worth it". So you get in your own way, you don't try and you keep yourself from actually enjoying life. You keep yourself from allowing love into your heart.

If I allowed myself to stay offended by people thinking or calling me dumb, I could easily slip into fear based behaviors. "Well being life coach was a stupid idea, I guess I shouldn't even try... people think I am stupid why would they want my advice". So fear would keep me stuck. Maybe self love also is no longer being afraid? Afraid of love, failure, happiness, other people's idea's and opinions. Possibly self love is accepting ourselves so we can accept others. If I don't accept myself and I make excuses for myself then it would be easy to make excuses for other peoples actions towards me by blaming myself, or excusing their poor behavior.

Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for everything in your life. If you love yourself you have happiness in your heart and that really helps you to love others. When negativity resides in your heart you question people, doubt people, and hold them and their love at bay b/c you question and doubt yourself keeping who you could be in life at bay. It's easy to stay stuck because stuck is comfortable, stuck isn't scary, maybe it isn't in the moment but it's scary to think of how that limiting behavior will keep you from knowing true love.

It's a long process that we need to have patience with. When I started down my road of epiphany I didn't just turn on a light and completely change with no more doubt or questions. I knew that I would have my moments and still on occasion do where I question, let the doubt try to creep in, and sometimes I almost get the best of me. I am becoming more and more self aware which ultimately leads to healing. I haven't jumped into this thinking I am going to fix these issues asap and then they will go away and I'll be done. That's setting up an expectation I know I can't live up to, so maybe when we are starting or doing a self love journey we should focus on the process and not being healed. Be kind to yourself and when we get to the end of our journey, the world of offensive thoughts and words, excuses, and fear, just fade away.

Self Love Journey #5

At some point in time I am sure we have all heard "life is full of choices" everything you do is a choice", well its true. I am always telling the kids, "Well it sounds like you have a choice to make, or I don't know you can go several ways you just need to make that choice". When they get into trouble my comment is, "well who made the choice to do that?" It also makes me crazy when one of them says, "but mom I didn't have a choice!!" My response is always..." Saying you didn't have a choice was a choice. 

Looking at your issues thinking you don't have one will get you stuck. For example thinking I don't have a choice to be happy b/c my marriage is falling apart, my weight won't come off, I have to be stressed because of bills... these thoughts are all choices we make that keep us stuck in a pattern of negative behavior instead of taking the second option. In order to get what we want in life we have to let go of what we don't want. Hanging on to stress keeps us from obtaining our goals. If you hang on to the stress of not having enough money, then you are keeping yourself from getting enough money. If you are stressed because you are overweight, sitting in front of the TV with a carton of ice cream or eating that extra piece of pizza isn't going to make that stress go away. This is where many addictions start! 

When you let go of that stress and worry you start to love yourself. Making the choice to let go, lets love in. When you let go of who you think you are supposed to be or where you are supposed to be at in your life, you can no longer blame yourself for not reaching an expectation. Releasing expectations that you haven't met in life helps you to surrender, let go of control, and open yourself up to a more happy life. Instead of trying to control how you reach your goals you are open and your goals come to you. 

We have to realize that control is formed from fear. When you consider letting go of the control its scary, the first thing that enters your mind is a fear statement. If I let go of control will everything fall apart? It very well may, but sometimes things have to fall apart so we have the opportunity to learn to be at peace when putting it back together. We can't stay yoked to what we think will happen b/c we don't know. If you put the good intention out there you will get it back. Why don't you just throw away the stress outcome and live your best life?! If you hold on and micro manage everything in your life you will live crisis to crisis and stand in the way of yourself. You will always keep yourself from true happiness. 

When you stand in your way and look to those outcomes its like looking to others to be your best self and depending on their approval to make you feel whole. It doesn't work like that. Don't look to someone else to make you want to better yourself, look to yourself. Because when that relationship starts to fail you put too much energy into what they think of you and you lost Who You Are. Many people have made me want to be a better version of me by challenging me to rise to an occasion. But all along that was false and made me stand in my own way by teaching me to people please, and not teaching me how to depend on myself to be the best version of me. 

Look your insecurities, your failures and your expectations that did not pan out in the eyes and tell them you are enough let it know that it's not going to best you because you are going to be the best version of you everyday. You are making a choice to focus on how you want to feel instead of controlling how you feel. Once you start to focus on how you want to feel you begin to let go of the things that keep you from feeling that way. I want to feel comfortable in my skin, I want to feel like I don't have to count every last calorie, I want to feel like I don't have to compare my body to others, I want to feel happy. So I will show up for myself and showing up for yourself everyday becomes a lifestyle not something you try and fail at.It's a simple choice. You read that right ... simple. You don't start tomorrow or in a week you simply say, "self... you deserve to feel happy and to be enough. I am making the choice to put my past behind me and let go.I will let go and let love in, let my hopes and dreams in and that will keep the fear and stress out. I chose to lovemyself so I will know how to better love those around me because I choose to be whole. Not stuck in a hole. 

Self Love Journey Day 4.... Nelson Armstrong

In trying to learn how to let go and love yourself you have to figure out how. How does one love themselves?? This has been a question I ask and try to forget b/c for me its like trying to understand what happens when we die and who God is. I can't wrap my head around that. If I love myself am I not being selfish?? I was raised by a selfish, materialistic, mother who never had enough. If I love myself, will I turn into her? I have spent a huge part of my life being extremely selfless so as I don't. I've been looking at this all wrong.

When I was a child I heard over and over, "I wish I married Nelson Armstrong, he ended up being rich and having nice things, they don't worry for anything, he asked me to marry him and I said no and now look at me". You want to know what was really fucked up about that? We weren't poor at the time... we were later, but when mom was going on about how she should have married him we were actually doing just fine. I remember sitting there saying things like, "but mom we are healthy and love each other" or  "if you married him you wouldn't have me", her answers were typically as shitty as the things she said. I grew up knowing that money was more important than me, and unless I was giving her money I was a bother. 

Now, I know she loved me. She was beaten and mentally abused by her mother, she had her own abandonment issues and never learned to love herself, but, none-the-less no child should hear things like that. Subsequently when I started working I started paying my parents bills. I had hoped that would earn her love. As a Senior in High School I was working 2 to 3 jobs just so I could do so and maybe put back for college. When I had to wait a year to go, so I could continue to save, mom was so disappointed b/c I didn't go straight away. I am rolling my eyes as I type. 

Had she married Nelson Armstrong, none of that would have happened b/c I would have never existed. In her head she would be rich and life would be carefree. Her reality was I have to control everything and everyone and because I didn't do what I should have I will make sure you do what I want you to. Obviously that didn't pan out for her either. She never learned how to be ok with her choices, instead she wanted to control everyone else's. She was so insecure with her self she allowed control to wreck her life... up until the day she died. Had she addressed her own insecurities, maybe she would have felt less like a victim. 

So it hit me today, how do I love myself? I let go of control.... that simple, it really is. I am no where near the control freak my mom was, but when I worry about money... I get a lil crazy. I never want my children to feel like I did growing up, walking on egg shells until mom's bank account is sufficient. Not to mention any time in my life I have gotten to a point where money was getting low, God always came through. It was always when I let go and gave it to God. When I did that it felt like the weight of the world was gone. I let go and I gave it to God, like we are supposed to do. How can I allow elation into my heart if I am holding on to something I can't control?? 

I do have a diminutive list of things I am a control freak over. It's mostly organization, and when my husband and I are arguing and I want to fix it then move on, and he wants to wait then wait and maybe a wait a little more, I bare down. Maybe for him that is a point of control, it certainly is bringing no one solace, so yet another example of how control robs us of having true bliss in our hearts. Let go and let God is what they say. It's not easy, but I do have proven results. So why do I continue to hold on so hard??? 

Fear, fear is what makes me hold on and the "what ifs". That's not going to work anymore. Identifying it gives me no excuse to continue the reverence of letting go. Holding on to control makes me feel like I have a direction and what it really does is send me into chaos. Anything could happen at any time and wipe everything away. I have no control over that. I do however, have control of how I bob and weave through what life hands me. If I could get through the hell I went through with my parents care and death and not try to control everything around me, most everthing else really seems pale in comparison. 

Trying to control things in life by giving too much and not allowing anyone to give back is how I have tried to control not turning into my mom. If I sacrifice, and give, and give, sacrifice some more and take nothing for myself, I can control not turning into my mom. If I hate money and wealth then I can control not depending on it for my own happiness. It simply is not how things work is it? If I give and allow life to give back I open my heart to an elation that will fill it to the brim. After all it takes a stronger person to ask for help. Sometimes I do need help, I have always found a way to help myself, but maybe its okay to let someone be there for me for once. 

I desperately need someone to be there for me now, my sister has been such a shoulder but I know, I can't depend on just her. When help is offered I will be vulnerable and accept it. Maybe allowing someone to help me satisfies a need in them, maybe they have been through what I am going though, maybe I was there for them and they simply want to be there for me. What ever it may be, I have to let go and let love and peace into my heart and trust that I know the boundary of what is selfish and what is self love.

Self Love Journey Lucky number 3

    “Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, concern, and support you’d show to a good friend. When faced with difficult life struggles, or confronting personal mistakes, failures, and inadequacies, self-compassion responds with kindness rather than harsh self-judgment, recognizing that imperfection is part of the shared human experience and that makes you enough.” 

Being Enough is a huge thing to feel, When you feel that you're not good enough, you often find yourself in isolation,feeling abandoned and longing for love from the people you have never received much love from. Love is a choice, and if you have never experienced love, it's because you never chose to love. Think about that, if you have never experienced real love, then you are not able to love. Love can be a healing force that unifies everybody. You can love somebody without needing anything in return from them. That's where freedom comes in. 

Sometimes we have to stop wasting our life and drowning in suffering because we have never had the love and attention that we deserved from our parents, our spouse, our friends, our children. Then its easy to get in your own way by creating obstacles by focusing on what you can't have. Refer back to yesterday when I wrote about the paradise syndrome. The thought of letting go is difficult and scary.

Holding on is a safe feeling b/c you have become complacent, you are ok with letting those hurts and pain from your past control you b/c you know how to handle it, by hiding and withdrawing. Meanwhile, your whole life slowly falls away b/c you don't move forward and open up. You are staying yoked to your pain, but when you let go you have freedom. Its frightening b/c what if you get hurt, what if you are criticized again, what if someone actually tells you, you aren't good enough. Getting hung up on all of the "what ifs" and not moving forward will be the two words that keep your feet in the quick sand. That leads to one feeling as if there is always a perpetual problem that keeps them from being enough.

What one can learn is that the things that you feel like everybody thinks is your problem is not your problem, it's not something that needs this huge fix, your problems are not hindering you ,your problems are not getting in your way,YOU are getting in your way by not learning from them and using them as a tool for change. Our flaws did not make us weak, they do not make us unlovable, the biggest roadblock is thinking wrong about the problem. Looking at it as a setback, as being imperfect, as being not enough, when it's giving the opportunity to prove that you are, and to be the example for those around you that they too are enough. The attention on the negativity and the "problem" is what keeps it from going away. The things that we have forced ourselves to believe has become you. It has alienated us and instead of letting it do all that it should. Accepting and integrating it as a part of who you are knowing that you can use it to make you happy, to learn from it, to be better. Because of it we can have pride in ourselves because we overcame it. Negativity in our conversations on the phone with friends, or with your family, are like errant children who do negative things because they want attention. It can  feel like that attention will make you feel better when someone feels bad for you....because at least somebody cares right, but all it does is make you sink deeper and farther from who you were supposed to be. It's training ourselves to feel good about who we are through negativity and ultimately all this does is exhaust people and they fall away when you thought you were gaining approval through sympathy.

My problem that has stopped me from loving myself is seeking approval. All along I needed to seek it within myself. Having my  "ah ha" moment, I stopped and thought I am a good person and really sometimes I care too much... like way to much to the point that it is a detriment to me. I can't fix it and that reflects on me as a person. I couldn't fix my relationship with my mom, I couldn't save my parents or make my mom just eat when hospice was called in, I couldn't save the woman who was shot and died in my house, even though I saved her 4 year old daughters life. I couldn't save my first marriage and I can't force a fix in the one I'm in when there is an issue. But, that's not making me not enough, b/c really its not about me.

I am not going to blame myself and who I am anymore b/c of the choices others make. I am a kind caring person that would fucking love to save the world. I would love to give everyone perfect happiness, but my ways aren't always someone else's, so I will give it to myself. Sometimes you just have to say fuck it, I love myself, I chose happiness. A friend recently told me something that was truly inspirational. Going through a big change he was thankful for the bad times as much as the good b/c they taught him, and he wasn't going to let it change him. That's some powerful shit right there and I can only imagine the overwhelming sense of peace that follows. 

My dad raised a strong amazing woman who has gone through so much shit in her life, I have faith and have overcome so much trauma and when climbing out of the pit I realize that I am enough and if no one else can see that that's not my problem, and I don't care. If we have lived our lives in fear, being so afraid, not letting ourselves be loved, then we aren't living, we are existing. The pieces of you that you feel are unlovable are screaming for love. The only thing that you need to change is the thought that keeps you from change. I changed my thoughts, I am enough, I am worthy, I may sound like Stuart Smiley but Gosh darnit people like me. 

Self Love Journey Round 2

One of  y biggest self limiting thoughts that has held me back in life is my struggle with Body Dimorphic Disorder. Ya'll I was a big ole girl growing up, I was bullied, made fun of, laughed at, my brother and one of his friends went so far to say they would kick my ass for being so fat. What can I say, Moon pies were my drug and my supplier was parked in the driveway. The more I was made fun of, the more I argued with my mom, the more I ate. I looked at myself in disgust all the time. I was gross, I was fat, and that made me unlovable. Training your brain to feel these things at a very young age shapes in many ways the person you become later in life and shapes how you deal with any insecurity.

I decided the summer before I went to middle school I was going to work out like a mutha, eat as little as possible and start Middle School, thin, pretty, and worthy of friends. I did it. I lost all of the weight and then some and so began the habit of starvation and over exercise. I went from one extreme to another b/c no one really taught me to love myself, I was taught to care what others think, don't be weak, be as perfect as possible b/c it will reflect on my parenting. My dad, I knew loved me regardless of my size but as a child, and a people pleasing one at that, the negative rang louder than any support.

That's a fast way to set a child up for a life of pain and failure. Failure is ok, it is ok to fail b/c in doing so you learn how to pick yourself up and win, if you are aware and fearless enough. Failure wasn't the problem the connotation of pain is what broke me down and broke me as a person. I hid my pain through making people laugh, being the funny girl. I hid my pain by not eating, and by the time I was 14 I was 5'6 and weighed 98 lbs. I was sick, gaunt, and unhappy as hell.

After much therapy I was able to put some weight on and be more healthy. Never-the-less, the sad little bullied fat girl remained in the back of my head waiting for those moments when I was feeling out of control in life. Up until recently I kept her tucked away. I still would look at myself in the mirror and pick apart all of the bad things about my body. This is fat, no amount of exercise will ever change that. I need plastic surgery, my ass looks like its been beat up by a bag of nickles. I will never be thin and beautiful.... but I will go exercise my ass off. I will eat less and I will be unhappy bc I am hungry and tired.

Its a very slippery slope down back into bad choices for my health. So upon reading The Self Love Experiment and wanting to move past all of the self limiting talk, I realized I can use these thoughts to hold me back or I can use it to define me and nudge me into a deeper awareness and appreciation of all the amazing things this body has brought me. I am stronger than my struggle and the pain and suffering will not define me. It needs me to validate its existence but I don't need it to validate mine.


Of Course sometimes I look at myself and I think of all the things that I hate how it looks. A tummy tuck would fix this botox would fix that.... I am built wide so aint nothing going to fix that... but then I ask my self... is a tummy tuck going to make me a better person? Why would it take that for me to be ok with myself. No, I accept the way I am and the way God made me and I will love myself unconditionally b/c that is what I deserve. I deserve to be happy and to be loved and my love for myself has nothing to do with how others see me.

I have to let go of the fear of the outcome. I have to stop with the "almost paradise" the intention of becoming ...focusing on the lack of attaining, I'll be happy when I ______, I'll be happy when I lose weight... but when I lose it theres something else to fix next. We circle our life trying to find something to fix as paradise will give us a happy ending. In the meantime we are waiting on these external factors to make us happy, and we decide to settle. Once you know that the paradise is in you there isn't anymore talk of once I get a tummy tuck I will be desirable again, or when I lose ten but think another 5 will be even better I can stop comparing myself to unhappy women paid to starve themselves and be miserable or just have a different build, metabolism, etc... doesn't mean there isn't an inward struggle for them.

I am unique. My body is like no one else's. It has had babies, it has lost babies, it has carried children, it has fought off attackers, it has got me to where I need to be and every line, muscle, dimple, or scar is a reminder that I have seen some shit and I have gotten through it. I have earned the right to love myself and love my body unconditionally. Sometimes its a struggle to feel this way, then something inside you clicks as you look at your body in the mirror and think of how powerful it really is. It has taken me on  some of the most amazing hikes in so many places where I have seen things that if I got stuck in my own way, might never have seen. It has been treated so poorly by my own self loathing actions yet still won't let me down. I feel the need to apologize to every inch of me and treat this amazing temple the way it should have been treat all along.

So, one of my biggest areas of self loathing has turned into self love. It hasn't been easy, but its the journey, the failure, the victory over shame that has gotten me to this point and I am ok with it.

Self Love Journey.... Round 1

Self Love - regard for one's own well-being and happiness (chiefly considered as a desirable rather than narcissistic characteristic).

Sounds easy right? Being concerned for your well being, so what is that?  Well-Being is the state of being comfortable, healthy, or happy.That doesn't sound so easy, or at least there are things in life that make it hard. I've been reading a book called the self love experiment. I have had issues with it off and on my whole life, mainly b/c I am a people pleaser and base my opinion of myself on what others think about me. Chiefly my mom was the start of this poor behavior. Always reminding me not to wear certain things, act certain ways, don't say the wrong thing, you shouldn't have these short comings.... because what would people think. When I rebelled and went against that personality suppressing rule... well, whoa be unto me. 

This set up a pattern and in several ways in most of my relationships I have feared being myself was not enough. Looking at someone to make sure what was said didn't catch a glare of disapproval. I have not been good enough for more people than I have been good enough for. I can count on one hand the people in my life I have been good enough for and when the feeling of self hate takes hold, self destruction follows in its wake. For the past year and a half I have felt not good enough. The reasons why don't really matter but simply in many ways just not worthy. 

I have felt like a worthy mom, I will say I won't completely question my mom life. I fiercely love my kids, and I regret some of my choices and directions I have made them go with me, but they are quick to remind me, I walked through hell for them, they would gladly go with me if I had to again. I know I am a good mom, and I will always do everything in my power to make sure they are happy and well rounded. I have given them and others advice, I myself need to start taking.

You are enough, you are important, you matter to me, matter to yourself, love your body it gets you out of bed, it gets you to school, work, to run and have fun. You can't take care of your body if you don't love it. God made you special, he made you unique so, if someone or something so powerful only made 1 of you, why do you not see how much you matter?? Then I stop and I think fuck... why can I not see this in myself? I used to, I did at one time but it slowly went away.

So I started digging to see where it started and as above I came to the conclusion it started with my mom. When children are raised with constant beratement, without the psychological or physical protection they need and certainly deserve, it is most natural for them to internalize incredible fear. Not receiving the necessary psychological or physical protection equals abandonment. And, living with repeated abandonment experiences creates toxic shame, this arises from the painful message implied in abandonment: "You are not important. You are not of value." This is the pain from which people need to heal. 

Emotional abandonment occurs when parents do not provide the emotional conditions and the emotional environment necessary for healthy development. Like when I had to hide a part of who I was in order to be accepted, or to not be rejected.

Having to hide a part of yourself means: it is not okay to make a mistake. it is not okay to show feelings, being told the way you feel is not true. "You have nothing to cry about and if you don't stop crying I will really give you something to cry about." "That really didn't hurt." "You have nothing to be angry about."it is not okay to have needs. Everyone else's needs appear to be more important than yours it is not okay to have successes. Accomplishments were not acknowledged,  and many times discounted.

I could never live up to her expectations. These expectations were unrealistic and not age-appropriate.I was held responsible for other people's behavior like when my mom would walk out the door and leave saying she would never come back b/c my brother and I fought too much. Then actually left and didn't come back when I was 18 leaving me homeless. I was consistently blamed for the actions and feelings of my parents. Disapproval toward me was aimed at my entire being or identity , kind of like  telling   me I was stupid when I didn't understand my math homework. That is fucked up and painful and in so many ways I have let it affect me, how I see myself and that I don't want my friends or children to feel that way ever! 

I don't want to let this affect me b/c I want to be happy and I want to see myself like my children and my friends do. I don't want self limiting opinions to control me. Take me, or leave me.... So I dug deep into the things I ignore and decided to make a list of all of the good things about me, that I have been told and that I don't allow myself to feel.

1. I am a kind caring person

2. I love to dive into charitable causes and help those that need it the most

3. I am a good mom (I'm not a regular mom. I am a cool mom lol)

4. I am a good friend and though I am not perfect I am a loyal loving wife

5. My body has been stretched and punished and kicked and puked on and it looks pretty fucking good for the hell I have put it through and I have earned and appreciate every last mark!

6. I have unlimited faith

7. I may be pissy and unrelenting but I absolutely love unconditionally and fight for those I love, I don't give up on those I love.

8.I work hard to get what I want... and I get what I want

9. I am funny as hell, though inappropriate  at times, you will laugh at my ridiculousness

10. I love to have fun. I love to take in the beauty of the world around me

11. I am compassionate

12. I find something good in everyone and importance in everything

13. I take care of my body aside from over indulging in wine on occasion

14. My daughter says I am a transcendentalist.... so I guess that is a plus.

15. I am humble unless I am fighting with Lee.... but damnit I am working on it.... seee that is my humility 

The list of things that hold me back was much longer but I am not giving it time. I am worthy of better, I am worthy of being treated well, and I am worthy of love. So starts the Self Love Journey. I get what I want and I want to love who I am and fuck anyone who cant see it!