who are you

Sitting back sore this weekend trying not to move much got me to thinking...well when am not thinking? Thinking about how I got to where I am, who I have become, and how much more I can be and what I want to be. It all started with my daughters phone call, again another weekend unhappy at her dads, wanting to come home and not wanting to be with him due to his mistreatment of her. It does break my heart, I want her to be happy when she is there, all I want is for my kids to be happy and they could be if he could get past his issues. How did he get like that? Is he happy being in a constant state of trying to control the world around him because he is so out of control? Honestly I don't care about him and have no feelings what so ever aside of the fact we made 2 awesome kids together and he is the only person on this planet that put me through the most miserable years of my life. I can't totally blame him I could have gotten out and I had my bad days which leads me to my conversation with Sophie.

She asked me if she was just a total brat could she piss him off enough to come home to stay forever. It bothered me b/c that is basically what I did in my marriage. Every time I was manipulated, talked down to, accused of things I didn't do I sunk into this cycle of being this person I wasn't and for awhile became that person. It was like being a lion backed into a corner and a survival instinct of some sort kicks in. I told her not to become something she isn't b/c at some point it does take you over and not knowing you truly are that person. I don't want her to make the mistakes I made and she is just like me, thinks like I do, reacts like I do, I mean if you could clone my personality it was done through her.  So after giving her better options on how to cope with it I thought about how far I have become since I was given my freedom from him. It was a freedom close to what I experienced becoming a christian, but maybe not that awesome. I spent many days trying to get back to who I know I am at my core and expelling the blackness that I inherited trying to survive emotionally for so many years.

How do we become who we are now? Are we happy with what we are at this moment and if not what can one do to change it? DO you have the will to be better and create your own paths paving the way for people to see an example of strength. By doing this everyone has to overcome their ghosts that haunt them. People who abuse drugs are running from something, when is it time to stop running and face what is chasing you through life. Drugs are not just substances that we depend on they are emotions, actions, people that bring us down b/c we aren't strong at our core. Control was my drug for years b/c I had so many people trying to control me I needed to abuse it to feel in control of myself, whether it was starving myself, 400 sit-ups a day, running until I couldn't move, being an uber bitch to the ex-husband to exert my individuality from him, it was a drug that made me a worse person. Learning that I could have always been in control but choosing to let the herd lead me was eye opening.

I regret no having my eyes open for so many years and not facing what was holding me back, and somethings still do, but I face them deal with it and move on. Like I told Sophie I don't want to live an unhappy life, I don't want to not leave a mark no matter how small, I do want to make my own path and it be able to help others not get caught up in the bull crap this world hands us all like misused power, vanity, laziness, and selfishness. We are all worth so much to this world but we have no self worth, everyone can be better but we chose to be lazy and complacent scared to change b/c it is so uncomfortable to leave the known moving into what we want but have to fight for. The end result...it was worth it all!

Music is my therapist certain songs have helped me through certain times and one that always stands out is Dig by Incubus. Ending this with the bits and pieces of the lyrics b/c they sum it up better than I did.

We all have a weakness
But some of ours are easy to identify
We all have something that digs at us,
At least we dig each other
So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday
If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me
When everything else is gone.
We all have a sickness
That cleverly attaches and multiplies
No matter how we try.
We all have someone that digs at us,
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.