What is faith?

According to the vast knowledge of Merriam Webster the definition of faith is...

a : allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty b (1) : fidelity to one's promises (2) : sincerity of intentions

2

a (1) : belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2) : belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion b (1) : firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2) : complete trust

3

: something that is believed especially with strong conviction; especially : a system of religious beliefs <the Protestant faith>

 

 

 

 I have had many conversations with people about my beliefs, but the foundation of them is faith. I have always enjoyed listening to others opinions and I value what my friends believe even if they don't share mine. We all have free will right, so if someone chooses another path that is their right and I value that right. Whatever we think or feel about a higher power I believe in God, let me get that out there and part of that is  the fact that even in my darkest times he has proven that he is there and has my back. In these dark times I wanted to give in to my anger and pain and have no faith, but no matter how easy it was to turn my back I knew he was there and I knew that before those times he had proven his existence to me time and again. 

When I was having my daughter she and I both almost died, the only thing in my head was "God no matter what please be here with me and my baby and keep us together". While it was touch and go for us both he did. He answered my prayer and gave me this awesome child that has become a hero in my life, that has taught me about myself and who I want to be and who I would like to see her become. I had a miscarriage in between Sophie and her brother and it was a huge set back, but in my sorrow I became pregnant again and had my son Zander who renews my spirit with his happiness and energy. When I was small I knew I wanted to be a mom all I have ever wanted more than anything was to be a mommy, and as a kid I want a girl first then a boy. Those of you who know me know....that is what I have. How can I say that there is no God when my biggest wish was fulfilled. Nay sayers can feel like it was the luck of the draw but I stick to the fact that there is a God, he knew what he was doing and it renews my faith every time I look at them that he is there and he loves me. 

This leads me to a conversation I had the other day with someone that has no faith. Whether it be in a higher power or something else, if you don't have it and can't grasp it how can you have any faith in yourself or anyone else. When life hands you lemons when you have no faith do you just squeeze the lemon in your eye and suffer? How can any relationships form and how can you go from day to day without believing or feeling that something or someone is there to help you. If you have no faith not only do you desert the ones you love but you desert yourself, therefor you have no cause or meaning. There is no hope, there isn't a promise that you can feel or understand that things are going to improve and life will lead you to happiness. Then again if you have no faith can you fathom letting go and having joy in your heart and being happy? I have experienced poverty in my life, worry, sorrow, extreme anger, loneliness, self pity,  and through all of that as easy as it was to have no faith and live a life of disdane I couldn't turn my back on the fact that something was going to hold me up and see me through it all. How can we be true to ourselves and be whole as a person if we have no faith. I can't see a way to do so. No matter what you believe concerning a higher power we are not in control no matter how hard we try to be. 

For me faith, love, and joy rule my heart. I know that one day times will become hard again and all of these beliefs will be tested, I will feel lonely, I will feel anger and sadness, but I know in my heart of hearts that my faith will see me through. One story that I will take with me for the rest of my life as a true example of faith and forgiveness is the woman who killed her husband and his parents drove hours to see her in jail to forgive her. How powerful is that? They had faith that God would carry them through their pain so much so that they forgave the person that took their child from them. I can't fathom that, I still want to understand with all of my faith and hope...the faith of a child.

 

Do we remember the good times as children when we knew we would be taken care o, we knew dinner would be on the table and we had a comfortable bed to sleep in. The faith of a child... if it has been lost I think we should find it, not only to better ourselves but the world around us and the people in it. I know one day I will lose my daddy, it will crush me and I will be sorrowful and full of sadness and anger, but I also know God will carry me through it just like he will when I lose my mom or others I love. I lost my marriage a long time ago, something I put all of my heart in...God was there to hold me up and carry me through my anger and sorrow. I lost my way for a while but through my faith found my way back. Where would I be or who would I be without that? I don't want to know. Someone will always be there to hold us up whether we can see them or not, will the sun rise tomorrow? Yes it will if you believe that it is your first step to recovering your faith. Life is not facts and tangible things we can feel but hope and faith that the sun will rise and the new day will bring us another chance to be better.....SO TAKE IT! Don't waste what you are given, don't not believe in yourself because other people do, don't waste someones faith in you.

 

 

Addiction

Well In light of the passing of Amy Winehouse and a conversation between myself and a good friend it has brought up memories of a friend who lost the battle to addiction and made me realize that it's important people understand it. Understanding isn't supporting but if you have someone in your life that needs help battling this sickness, hopefully you will get something out of this.

To help someone you have to before anything understand this it is without a doubt a sickness that is incurable with any drug. Before you can learn how best to help a struggling addict or alcoholic, you need to understand the nature of addiction.What has lead them to using and becoming addicted? Most people don't just wake up one day and say, "hey I think I will start recreationally using drugs and maybe it will be a problem one day...eh lets give it a go". Something has happened that they are running from or something is going on in their life that they are trying to block out. Not only do we need to understand what has caused this to happen but also it is important that you take care of yourself through getting them help.

We cannot control a drug addict or an alcoholic, but we can control our own behavior–including how we behave in relationship to a sick and suffering (and possibly manipulative) addict or alcoholic. Therefore, the best thing that you can do if you want to help someone in your life is to get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting. The people there can listen to your situation and give you the best specific advice on how to go about handling things. Educating yourself on how to set limits and boundaries is one of the most important things that you can do in this case. One example of setting a boundary is telling a close friend that you prefer they not be around you if they are drunk or high. Notice that it is specific, and you have to sit down and communicate this type of request explicitly with someone. Setting a boundary like this is difficult because there is this tendency to hurt other’s feelings. But that is part of what is keeping this person sick–caring more about the other person’s feelings than your loved ones own personal well being. Setting boundaries is about putting your own personal well being first, and letting that be a guiding example of how to live. They know you are setting effective boundaries when you help them take back control of their life and regain sanity–instead of being all wrapped up in the problems of a struggling drug addict or alcoholic. This is a crucial distance you must learn to keep when learning how to help a recovering drug addict.

Sometimes people can admit they have a problem but are unwilling to change. They can admit it but cannot accept it. The fear of change, the fear of life without chemicals is too great for them, even though they know that they have a real problem. They are caught between a rock and a hard place. This is when intervention comes in to play whether it be informal (between a few close people) or formal (with an addiction specialist).   Tread with caution and don’t push them over the edge. Be helpful and supportive. Personality type will help dictate if this is the best time for a formal intervention or not. If they are secluded, isolated, shy, or have anxiety or depression, then a formal intervention with lots of people might be a bad idea at this point. If you want to know how to help drug addicts then you have to learn to figure out how hard you can press up against this wall of fear. It can be a tricky balance to attain.

One of the key principles that will help in dealing with a struggling alcoholic or drug addict is detachment. The idea behind it is to separate yourself emotionally from the damaging effects of your relationship with the addict or alcoholic. It is not the same as complete disassociation or abandoning the relationship. The idea is to care for them while detaching emotionally. You can care for them but not feel like you are responsible for them. In other words, you are specifically trying to not get all wrapped up emotionally by an addicts destructive behaviors.
Practicing detachment should make it easier over time. Here are some things that you can do in order to practice detachment with the struggling addict in your life:
-Don’t do things that they should be doing themselves.
-Don’t bend over backwards to rescue them or save them from natural consequences.
-Don’t cover up for their mistakes or embarrassing situations.
-Don’t rescue them from crisis or financial situations.
-Don’t try to fix them.
-Let go of any guilt you may have about them
Detachment is not about denying your emotions. If someone close to you dies, for example, you will probably feel sad. You can’t choose this feeling. It simply is. But we do have the power to affect the intensity of this feeling, by focusing on the positive aspects of the situation. We can also change our thinking in an attempt to eradicate irrational beliefs that might be contributing to our emotional turmoil.
The goal is not to go without emotions, the goal is to achieve some level of emotional stability. We are detaching from the negative, irrational thoughts that stir up our emotions–like the guilt we might have if we think someone’s addiction is our fault. One thing that is especially helpful is finding an Al-anon group to be involved with.

who are you

Sitting back sore this weekend trying not to move much got me to thinking...well when am not thinking? Thinking about how I got to where I am, who I have become, and how much more I can be and what I want to be. It all started with my daughters phone call, again another weekend unhappy at her dads, wanting to come home and not wanting to be with him due to his mistreatment of her. It does break my heart, I want her to be happy when she is there, all I want is for my kids to be happy and they could be if he could get past his issues. How did he get like that? Is he happy being in a constant state of trying to control the world around him because he is so out of control? Honestly I don't care about him and have no feelings what so ever aside of the fact we made 2 awesome kids together and he is the only person on this planet that put me through the most miserable years of my life. I can't totally blame him I could have gotten out and I had my bad days which leads me to my conversation with Sophie.

She asked me if she was just a total brat could she piss him off enough to come home to stay forever. It bothered me b/c that is basically what I did in my marriage. Every time I was manipulated, talked down to, accused of things I didn't do I sunk into this cycle of being this person I wasn't and for awhile became that person. It was like being a lion backed into a corner and a survival instinct of some sort kicks in. I told her not to become something she isn't b/c at some point it does take you over and not knowing you truly are that person. I don't want her to make the mistakes I made and she is just like me, thinks like I do, reacts like I do, I mean if you could clone my personality it was done through her.  So after giving her better options on how to cope with it I thought about how far I have become since I was given my freedom from him. It was a freedom close to what I experienced becoming a christian, but maybe not that awesome. I spent many days trying to get back to who I know I am at my core and expelling the blackness that I inherited trying to survive emotionally for so many years.

How do we become who we are now? Are we happy with what we are at this moment and if not what can one do to change it? DO you have the will to be better and create your own paths paving the way for people to see an example of strength. By doing this everyone has to overcome their ghosts that haunt them. People who abuse drugs are running from something, when is it time to stop running and face what is chasing you through life. Drugs are not just substances that we depend on they are emotions, actions, people that bring us down b/c we aren't strong at our core. Control was my drug for years b/c I had so many people trying to control me I needed to abuse it to feel in control of myself, whether it was starving myself, 400 sit-ups a day, running until I couldn't move, being an uber bitch to the ex-husband to exert my individuality from him, it was a drug that made me a worse person. Learning that I could have always been in control but choosing to let the herd lead me was eye opening.

I regret no having my eyes open for so many years and not facing what was holding me back, and somethings still do, but I face them deal with it and move on. Like I told Sophie I don't want to live an unhappy life, I don't want to not leave a mark no matter how small, I do want to make my own path and it be able to help others not get caught up in the bull crap this world hands us all like misused power, vanity, laziness, and selfishness. We are all worth so much to this world but we have no self worth, everyone can be better but we chose to be lazy and complacent scared to change b/c it is so uncomfortable to leave the known moving into what we want but have to fight for. The end result...it was worth it all!

Music is my therapist certain songs have helped me through certain times and one that always stands out is Dig by Incubus. Ending this with the bits and pieces of the lyrics b/c they sum it up better than I did.

We all have a weakness
But some of ours are easy to identify
We all have something that digs at us,
At least we dig each other
So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday
If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me
When everything else is gone.
We all have a sickness
That cleverly attaches and multiplies
No matter how we try.
We all have someone that digs at us,
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.

friends in a divorce

One thing I learned super fast when I got my divorce is you find out who your true friends are. Well there are really 3 types when you are going through one. There is your party people who are glad you can finally get out and live it up with them again. Some of them just want to hang out and help you get your mind off of it, some just want the nookie b/c now they think it's ok to go for it, and the others just want to relive the glory days. It's a mix of good intentions and selfishness gone arrye.

The next group is the ones who feel the need to take a side but if it's not yours they play the part to garner info. Crazy huh, well they are the worst. Some of the people that did this to me didn't know what really happened with me. Didn't know about all of the mental abuse and cheating my ex put me though, I didn't think it was their business and I didn't want to put anyone in the position to feel like they had to pick a side. It's a shame he didn't think the same way and an even bigger shame the old friends showed their true colors. I guess it's better I know b/c I don't waste time on people who are going to lie to me and act like a high school drama queen, that's not to say it doesn't still sting a little.

Then the third type is your true friends, these are the people you know you can take your emotion too and walk away feeling better and it ends with them. Nothing gets gossiped about, they don't want anything in return aside from just being there to help, and you know when you really need them, they will be there. That's the next best thing to a divorce recovery therapist, well I guess better b/c you don't have to pay for that shoulder to cry on. I was glad I had those people in my life and I hope I can pay it forward to others divorce or not. Broken families are the new enemy it's an awful pain that no one should have to ever feel, but some people will. I hope all of my married friends treat their marriage like a garden, if you don't water it, it's not going to grow. My divorced or getting divorced friends...hold on, the pain doesn't last forever. It sucks, it's not fair, there isn't anything that is going to take it away but time. Try to see the good in the new path that you are on and make realistic goals and plan on how you are going to obtain them.

Is it hot? Oh crap I found it...yeah I am in hell

Geeze this was srsly the day from hell!!! Ok so we got up and the 3 of us are not morning ppl although I do try and first thing I burn my neck with the curling iron...guess that was karma from when I was kid. I won't get into that..lol but following the 2nd degree scorch was the whole dance camp debacle. I lost it when I knew I was going to be late for work. Sophie was supposed to be dropped off for dance at 7:30 and no one was there. I know the world doesn't revolve around me, but dang if you say you are going to be open at a certain time and you swagger in 30 min late, thats disrespect.

So after my own "I hate being late melt down" I get to work doing ludicrous speed(spaceballs) and a tile has fallen out of the ceiling from a water leak, paint didn't dry the same color, the water that leaked on a desk warped it beyond repair, aaaaaaaand for the kicker I got stuck in an elevator. Ahhhhh the joys of really having no one at home to share my dumb day with and topping it off found out I got lied to by a friend. It is really a dumb thing to lie about too. It makes me wonder in my head of random thoughts, "do I put on a personality that leads ppl to feel like I expect more than they can give??" I don't get the whole lying thing, I can't tell one without coming clean from guilt 5 seconds later lol. I don't know, I feel like I am the kind of person that just puts my silliness and acceptance out there, I don't judge, I don't do drama, I don't get super pissed unless you break my 2 rules, so what's he deal. Meh, all that is getting it out but I am glad when I find out simply b/c I know who is full of crap and wasting my time. I mean that with all due respect, hahaha not in a snobby way.

So there ya have it...at a heat index of 110, and random crappy stuff happening pretty much all day I found something close to what I would compare hell to.

Sophie Question to God

My daughter Sophie was born with a life of challenges. To look at her I always say she is completely normal, to know her and see her struggle is a different story. She was born with a congenital defect that has presented and will continue to deal out different blows throughout her life. I tell her all the time how lucky we are that it isn't worse and that she has defied so many odds. Never-the-less there are still days she gets frusterated and scared. It is a job as a mom I never thought I would have, it's something I never thought I would have to explain, but....this is what God has given to me and to her and it is another journey that she and I will make together. I can't think of anyone I would want to make such a journey with. Now to her question....

Tonight we were brushing our teeth together and she wanted the rest of my gummy bears, I mean can you blame her?? Gummies are the best snack ever aside of red twizzlers, however these are some of the simple things that most people take for granted. Sophie can't have too much sugar, she has to be mindful of things she eats and has to stay healthy. She isn't diabetic, although it is something we may have to deal with down the road. She asked me why she wasn't normal like all of the other kids. She wanted to know why God couldn't have just given her what she is supposed to have to be like the other kids. As a mommie that wants nothing but the best for my babies it breaks my heart that somethings I can't give her or fix. I know most moms feel like that but, from my own side it makes me feel like I am failing even though there is nothing I can do.

I told her that God knew her before me or anyone, he knew that she is strong, has the heart of a champion and will use what she lacks to better not only herself but others. I said it and I believe it. The first time I looked in her eyes after she and I both almost dying after childbirth I knew she was a fighter! I knew she was something special that God put on this earth for a special reason. Maybe all parents think these things about their kids but Sophie has a light about her that will never diminish. She is a warrior, she is strong even when she feels like she can't be and faces everything with no fear. So after telling her that God only gives us what we can handle he must have a lot of stock vested in her. I told her that God will carry us through our struggles and open doors we never thought we would see, give us the opportunities to help others and better ourselves. We all have a light, we can all let the world see it or ignore it and waste our talents. I know my girls heart and how caring and wonderful it is. Sophie is something special, she is an old soul and is an amazing girl that one day will be an amazing woman and will do such awesome things. God knew what he was doing when he made her. It was a part of a plan that I am blessed to be a part of!

lemme introduce myself

Well this will mostly be my random cathartic thoughts with no names of referenced people mentioned. I really don't care if anyone reads it, but here it goes. I am a divorced single mom, life is good!!! lol Still working through not hating my ex-husband who litterally put me through years of hell but like the devoted christian wife I was willing to walk through hell to give my children what I thought they deserved. I got a clue when I found out he had 4 mistresses and decided that this isn't the life my kids deserved. A few years later, my daughter can't stand him, he is getting remarried, and my youngest really wishes his dad would talk to him when his lady friend is there. Yeah he is really fun to deal with and I mean that with all of the sarcasm I can muster up.

I suppose other than cathartic reasons of my own I started this also b/c I have several friends getting divorces. Not that I will ever have the right thing to say or give some stellar advice but I can share what worked for me. Heck I also take advice too! On a lighter side I have to have something that I can type out the amazing things my kids say...