Curve Balls.

Sometimes in life we get thrown a curveball. We know things may not be the way we want them, but sometimes we don't realize they're as bad as they might be. Currently my situation, three weeks ago my husband came home and left me. He told me he would come back, and I knew he was saying that just so he could get out. There was a lot of dirty things that were said, I'm not going to go into it, it is what it is. But in the past three weeks I have learned a lot of things about him and about myself.

The first thing is, I'm reminded that I'm a survivor. I'm not going to get into he-said-she-said stuff, but no matter what his viewpoint is I have been through enough in life to realize that I am not a victim of anything nor have I ever lived my life as a victim. I'm a survivor. I have always been a survivor, and until the day I die I will be a survivor. I don't like the situation that I am in, I don't like the uncertainty of my future, but what I do know is that I will survive this. I will move on and I will be happy in the long run. It's a very tough pill to swallow, especially knowing that tomorrow something may happen that will shake me to the core. Nevertheless, as long as I can still pick myself up, I'm a survivor.

The second and most valuable thing is if you don't love yourself, you will never love anyone else. We can convince ourselves that we love ourselves and that we make decisions because we love ourselves. If you're making a decision that hurts people that you love, you don't love yourself. I know that's a very broad statement but I say that because if you truly love somebody if you truly truly do, you would never want to do anything that would hurt them. Does that make any sense? If you understand what love really is, and you understand loving yourself, and how to Love yourself, then there is no room in your heart for hurt. Loving yourself is equivalent to being selfless. If you are a selfish person and you only think about yourself, that's not love that id self-preservation, narcissism, and most of all fear. We can convince ourselves all day long that we are being vulnerable but until we open up our hearts and let all of the hate and hurt and anguish go we will never truly love ourselves.

I love myself, I really do. And I don't feel like that that is a selfish statement. I feel like that is me saying that I deserve to be loved, just as hard as I love my friends and other people. I know what love is. My father if he ever did anything right in his life showed me what true love is all about. And he learned what true love is about through understanding what Jesus's goal was on this Earth. I know not everybody believes in the same things that I do, but the message is still the same.... To love.

As much as I want to hate my future ex-husband, I don't. I do love him because in a lot of ways I have empathy for person who doesn't understand what love is all about. I feel sorry for someone like that. I don't want to because every fiber in my being is saying look at what he's done to you, look at what is going to happen, look at what anguish he is putting people through... But in my heart of hearts and all the lessons that my daddy ever taught me, I come back to the word love. There are a lot of things in life that I don't understand that I will probably be judged for one day. When I'm judged for those things I want to be judged with love and not hate. I know that I have a rough road ahead of me, and I know that things are going to change, things won't be so simple and some days my heart will hurt, some days I will be scared, and some days I will look back with regret. But more than anything what will fill my heart is the fact that for a while I knew love with this one person. For a while all the stars alined, and then they fell out of line. I never stopped loving and that is all I can say. And that helps me understand God's relationship with me.

Sometimes I fall out of love with God. There are times when I make decisions that hurt him, make him feel abandoned, and make him feel far away from me. But at the end of the day he will always come back and he will say you are my child, I love you, and I forgive you. Isn't that what Grace is all about? So, in all of this hurt and abandonment and fear and pain, when I want to be loved and forgiven how can I not love and forgive? I've often heard people say how can you be so forgiving, why do you let people back in? Love, love is the answer.

One of the biggest reasons why married my husband, and loved him so hard, was because I felt like he did not understand what love was. I was so disappointed that my daddy passed away before he had a chance to really get to know him. Because I felt surely he would be able to give him the things that he told me he was never able to be given. My daddy was a person who was truly one-of-a-kind no matter what his faults were, he knew how to love. And even after he died I knew that he had given me that same gift, and I thought I could share that gift with him. Sometimes when we try to share something that is so valuable to us, people who don't understand it can't receive it.

I think at the end of the day the moral to my story is, whole people are happy people. People can love us all the livelong day and that's great, but if we don't know how to love ourselves, if we don't know how to love in general, love is just a word not an action. Love is a selfless act that expects nothing in return. I loved my husband and I expected nothing in return, and nothing is what I am going to end up with. At the end of the day I don't regret the fact that I did what my father taught me to do. And that was to love.

I'm not a victim, it was my choice to love a man that could not receive what I offered. A giant part of me feels so much pain for him more so than for myself. And I think that that pain is because it's a love that he doesn't understand and that he is scared to have. Which brings me to abandonment.

The word abandonment shakes me to my core. It sucks to feel abandoned. When my mom and my dad died, I felt completely and totally abandoned. When my dad passed away for the longest time I did not know how to act. It sucks so bad and I really don't know how to sum it up, but I'll try. He was my best friend, and my compass. For a very long time, I was lost without him. He gave the best hugs and he knew how to make me feel better when I was at my lowest. And it has taken a lot of time to really take a hold of the lessons that he taught me for the 35 years that I had him in my life. And even though my relationship with my mother wasn't perfect, she did teach me how to be independent and self-sufficient. Those are things that Are invaluable. Especially with what I'm going through now.

Sometimes when we are abandoned in life we feel so horrible and so low that we don't want to understand love. If we understand love and we allow it into our heart there's always that fear in the back of our heads that it will abandon us again. We can take a chance and we can try to love again, and we can fall in love and love.....and love hard and be in it to win it for the long run, and something happens and we can be abandoned. There's so much fear in abandonment. I'm living it right now I'm living that fear. I have been abandoned many times in my life, but I cannot allow the choices that other people make because they don't understand that kind of love, to stop me from loving. Abandonment is going to happen. But one thing that is stronger and more powerful than fear and abandonment is love. No matter what happens in life, I cannot stop love.

That's a difficult thing to swallow. When my parents passed away it was very hard for me to let love in. I'm being vulnerable I'm opening myself up and I'm being honest, losing two people who influenced your life in 9 months and watching them slowly suffer Can really mess with your head. Then being left to pick up the pieces is really an awful thing to have to go through. But what I chose to do with that was help other people who are going through similar things. I am with the people who have lost a parent. I am with you in your grief all day everyday even if I don't talk to you just know I am with you. To everyone in my life who has been hurt, who has loved the unlovable, or who has loved the ones that don't understand love and can't love back, I am with you and I love you. I hold you in my heart. The only thing that we can do at the end of the day is to love. The most amazing quote that will ever drive me forward in my life, is "darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that, hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that". I'm in a situation where it is very easy to hate someone and to turn my back on them and to wish for the worst for them, but what does that say for me? That's not who I am and that is not the woman that my father raised me to be. My father raised me to love people and to love people that can't love me back. And so that's what I'm going to do. Sometimes it will be from a far, it will be something that's not returned to me. At the end of the day that's okay. At the end of the day I loved, I loved hard, and I did everything that I could possibly do. I'm a survivor, I am not a selfish person, and I will always love the unlovable. Even if it hurts me, even if it brings pain that I don't deserve, the legacy that I leave on this planet when I die, I hope and pray is love.

Send yourself love

In the morning, send yourself love for the entire day and be sure to collect that love along the way.

When things go wrong, it is easy to get into a bad mood, and that bad mood has a way of spiraling out and affecting our life for days to come. In the same way, when we feel badly about ourselves, we tend to act in ways that have repercussions, again creating a negative vibe that can negatively influence the next several days. While it is important that we allow ourselves to feel what we feel, and to be genuine, we do not have to completely surrender to a dark mood or feelings of self-doubt. In fact, the more we simply allow and accept our darkness as one part of the picture, the more easily we can also allow and accept our light. In this vein, we can temper our grey moods with an injection of sunshine in the form of sending good wishes to ourselves for the next 24 hours. 

If you feel a bad mood coming on or find yourself plagued with negative feelings, take a moment to acknowledge that. At the same time, recognize that things can and will change, and that you can still have a good day, or a good week, especially if you take the time to visualize that for yourself. This is a great way to support yourself when you are working through tough times and hard feelings. When you visualize good things for yourself, you are sending yourself love and warmth, as well as encouraging yourself to keep going.

Before you even get out of bed in the morning, you can take the time to send good wishes to yourself all the way through to the next morning. As you picture your day, take the time to fill in the details - where you are going, who you will see, what you will do - and send love and good wishes ahead to yourself, as well as everyone you encounter. It will be like arriving in a new place and finding that an old friend has sent a bouquet of flowers from back home to welcome you and remind you that you are loved.

Worst Thanksgiving Ever!

At the ripe old age of 19 in 1997, I was going through my first real trial. I was working 3 jobs, going to college full time, and living where ever I could find a bed. My mom had moved back down to Georgia with little notice, and I had just gotten done nursing my dad back to health after several strokes. He was getting prepared to go back to Georgia with mom after the holidays, I was getting prepared to "live in sin" with my fiance mostly because it was that or quit college.

That Thanksgiving for me at the time was the worst I had ever experienced. Oh to be young tired and full of energy. I was in school full time and working 3 jobs barely holding myself together. That Thanksgiving I had been up for almost 48 hours working and getting ready for finals. I would have been thankful for a full 5 hours of sleep but that wasn't what was intended for me. Three was more like what I got. Looking back on the whole thing, I feel like such a spoiled brat, but we will get to that. 

Thanksgiving has always been mom's thing. She loved to cook, she would plan months in advance to get ready. That year she made a special effort to come home. Her friend was on a mission trip, and needed a house sitter. She was able to talk mom into it and a part of me was glad because it was another turkey day with my family. Another part of me knew what my schedule was going to be like and had no clue how I was going to make it all work. 

I was using my third shift position at the mental hospital to study, and going straight to school from there. Then from school I had to fall into my job at the Gap. Five Hour Energy was my friend those days. That year I had planned on staying with mom at her friends house because it was a comfortable bed to sleep in for 3 days. Well, what sleep I was going to get that is.

That morning when I got home, mom was already cooking. It was 7am and I was so tired I wanted to cry. I stammered into the room I was staying in, fell in the bed with my clothes on, and went straight to sleep. I had been up for almost 2 days straight. mom came in to remind me I wasn't going to get to sleep for long because we would be eating soon. I begged her to at least let me get 5 hours.

Three hours later she was waking me up to go in and eat with them, (they liked to eat early so they could eat again that night). I was half livid, half in tears, and still half-asleep. I knew that I had to go back to my bartending job that night so I would not be able to go back to sleep after we ate. At this point I no longer even cared about Thanksgiving, I didn't care about food, I didn't care about anything but getting some rest.

I didn't know that it would be the last Thanksgiving that I would speak my mom for the next 3 years. That's three years of time that I can't get back. A lot of it was her fault, a lot of it was my fault, because it takes two people to dissolve a relationship.. but as I said at that moment I wasn't thinking about the future, I was only thinking about the present. I was being a spoiled brat.

Yesterday after eating just myself and my husband, thinking about all the thanksgivings that I've had the good and the bad, that one came to the front of my mind. I suppose the lesson from the story is even though we're going through something at the time that seems to be the end of the world, it can always get worse. That's not to take away from the trouble you are going through, you have a right to feel it and live through it, but don't wallow in it.

Always remind yourself that things in the future can be worse. When my parents passed away and I had to start experiencing Thanksgiving without my mom. We had our silly little quirky things we did that I will always miss. And as the old adage says, " if I had known then what I know now", I may not have acted like such a whiny butt. I was tired, it was my first real bout of complete exhaustion, but I sat there at that table and cried through the whole entire dinner, making everybody miserable, being a giant brat when I should have just sucked up enjoyed it and pushed through.

Sometimes in life we get stuck in what we're going through, when we should just suck it up and push through. My ex husband's grandmother used to always say, "this too shall pass", and I'm so glad I heard her say that. That has been a huge part of how I get through any tough time in life. Through the stress, through the unbearable stress, through the sadness or exhaustion I always remind myself this too shall pass. In the moment it's terrible but everyday you roll out of that bed and put your feet on the floor is another day to get it right and improve upon the one before.

That Thanksgiving for me was the worst ever and it was my fault. It was my fault because instead of enjoying something that I was actually thankful, for I pissed and moaned through the whole thing. I wish I could go back and enjoy that dinner and have that day back, but there is no looking back because what's done is done, and lessons are learned. In the spirit of Thanksgiving I will say I am very thankful that I have had those bad times, and I had the good times that made those seem insignificant. I am thankful for my failures because without them I wouldn't learn how to win, I am thankful for the hard times because without them how would I know to appreciate the good times.

I end this blog by saying we all have something to be deeply thankful for. In the coming holiday season there are many people who are cold and hungry, who are thankful for the clothes on their back. No matter how they got to that place,we should bless them by giving back. If you see a homeless person or know someone in need, give them a blanket, give them food, clothes, pray with them, and give them hope. One of the many things.... probably the thing I am thankful for the most is Hope.  When you give someone hope you give them a greater gift than anything money could buy.

Self Love Journey Lucky #7

As I round out my personal self love journey, I appreciate everyone who read these posts and support me. It means so much to surround yourself with people that give a damn and want the best for you. Also before I continue, for my husband... Yes we are ok, anything I posted about divorcing or problems are based off of my previous marriage, or things I have seen friends go through recently. Sure we fight and have our ups and downs and want to kick each other in the balls, but when I said till death do us part, I meant... he's only getting out of this by death parting us lol.

That being said, marriage is a very easy way to lose ones identity. We meet someone, we like them, we find things in common, and sometimes through infatuation we change ourselves to please them. Let me just go ahead and say that never works long. At some point we come back to who we are out of laziness or, we sink to a low point of being upset, depressed, or angry and not knowing who we have become or why. I definitely lost it in my first, and though I have been 95% me married to Sasquatch, there is that 5 I lost somewhere along the way.

This go around, abandonment and worry took over my personality and prevented me from being myself and enacting loving myself. I pushed a lot of people away b/c abandonment will do that to you. Those of you that have known me for so many years know, that's not me. Before I lost my parents and a few friends, a couple of aunts.... and a couple of friendships, I was a bubbly hugger, unafraid of putting myself out there. People would call me crazy, but it was a good crazy, that likable crazy like the girl who loves to sing Sir Mix A lot songs when ever she's around a karaoke machine.

Abandonment and trauma made me feel insanely out of control. So I hatched up the wonderful "control freak" personality. I will say, and my husband may disagree, that I was not the battle ax asshole wife with a leash on her husband control freak. It was mainly stupid things that caused worry, that brought the abandonment to the surface and the fear of failure, leaving this world one day no better than I found it. When my therapist said she noticed my light was gone... I knew I needed to snap out of it.

So I started learning about myself, about life coaching and through that the answers all bubbled to the top. Trying to figure out how to love myself was really scary, I didn't want to have the answer because I didn't understand it. So my first effort was to make a list of all of the negative things I see about myself that I want to change. Out of that list a very small percentage was internal. Once I had that laid out I wrote next to it, the good in the bad. It looked a little something like this....

My c-section scar makes my abs look like shit, they will never look good and its embarrassing...
My c-section scar is an amazing reminder of the work I did with God for 18 months forming the two most amazing things I have ever created.

My arms have bat wings and no amount of push ups has changed that.
I have arms, I can use them to hug people, give necessity bags to the needy, hold my children and grand children one day, they do so much for me.

I feel abandoned and alone, a lot... I miss my parents, I really wish I could hug my dad
I AM so lucky to have had him for the 35 years I did, and even though my mom and I had our issues there are still many good things she taught me that have helped me in life and will continue to do so. I am not alone, only when I shut people out am I alone.

Y'all that felt so good to write that list, it proved that there is always a positive in what we see as negative. It helped me to realize love and appreciation is way more powerful that self limiting fears and self loathing. I wanted to be happy and feel better, and it felt better. Our insecurities are not us. They are a false perception of ourselves and we should love our insecurities. I was laughed at and made fun of for being fat most of my childhood. My dad even called me thunder thighs thinking it was funny and though he wasn't trying to be hurtful... it was. I carried that with me for a very long time. Shedding that self limiting idea and insecurity honestly made me feel like this giant weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

Every time I look at my body now, I thank it, I appreciate it and I don't compare it to anyone. I pray more, and in doing so I worry less. I gave up my control. What good was it doing for me, and slowly the 5 % is coming back. It won't happen over night for sure, its something that is more like a bad habit. I am still moving forward every day because I deserve to be happy, and I know the crazy lady inside is ready to jump right back to the for front. We can't blame our spouses for when we change, we only have control over ourselves. When we enter into any relationship and change who we are for that person, it's already setting up for failure and pain, and its your fault. If you are not happy with yourself, you will never ever be happy with anyone at all, not matter the relationship.

We need to be happy with who we are. You know the saying from Field of Dreams "if you build it they will come"... If you build yourself up and you are happy with who you are the right people come along and stick around. The ones who don't? Well you can with zero guilt, unapologetic tell them not to let the door hit them where God split them. It's a life long process and people will always try to tear you down. Its happened to me since I have started my journey, but.... I refuse to yield to myself standing in my way b/c.... I AM ENOUGH!

Self Love Journey #6 Offended by fear

Have you ever really wondered why we get offended by things in life? Its not something I really thought about until here recently. I think we get offended by things people may say because it takes us back to a place where we still need to heal ourselves. Growing up my parents would call me stupid and sometimes would treat me like I was stupid. I had a very difficult time with math, it was a second grade teacher that taught it to me where I could finally understand. A year after in the third grade I tested into the gifted program, my mom had no faith in me that I would be able to handle it. When she took that faith I let her have it.

I've always known that I am smart, I after all did test into those classes, later in high school graduating with honors. Today when someone insinuates that I am not a smart person, I know it is them with the problem not me. I am not going to let their insecurities or opinions change what I know about myself. In my day 5 post I made the point that we shouldn't depend on others to see the reflection of ourselves. I actually think its a point I have shared multiple times in this journey. Calling me stupid, dumb, or treating me as if I am unintelligent really is no longer offensive b/c I accept myself. I need no ones approval.

Maybe peoples opinions or judgments of others are coming from a place of their own insecurities. Why should we let them take our self love b/c they are insecure? I have several times in my life been told, "Keleigh you are better than that" it used to grate my nerves. Now looking back I think, "Apparently I am not better than that b/c those are my feelings, they matter so suck it, agree to disagree". When you accept that stuff into your heart you start making excuses for your behavior.

Excuses are based from fear and used a  reason to stay comfortable in the uncomfortable place you reside. When we say things like, "I am afraid I will fail at this" What fear is telling you is you shouldn't even try.  "If I try hard and fail I will be devastated", fear is saying," Well you can try but there is only so much you can do". When you think to yourself, "Ugh this is going to take too much effort", fear is telling you "It's not worth it". So you get in your own way, you don't try and you keep yourself from actually enjoying life. You keep yourself from allowing love into your heart.

If I allowed myself to stay offended by people thinking or calling me dumb, I could easily slip into fear based behaviors. "Well being life coach was a stupid idea, I guess I shouldn't even try... people think I am stupid why would they want my advice". So fear would keep me stuck. Maybe self love also is no longer being afraid? Afraid of love, failure, happiness, other people's idea's and opinions. Possibly self love is accepting ourselves so we can accept others. If I don't accept myself and I make excuses for myself then it would be easy to make excuses for other peoples actions towards me by blaming myself, or excusing their poor behavior.

Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for everything in your life. If you love yourself you have happiness in your heart and that really helps you to love others. When negativity resides in your heart you question people, doubt people, and hold them and their love at bay b/c you question and doubt yourself keeping who you could be in life at bay. It's easy to stay stuck because stuck is comfortable, stuck isn't scary, maybe it isn't in the moment but it's scary to think of how that limiting behavior will keep you from knowing true love.

It's a long process that we need to have patience with. When I started down my road of epiphany I didn't just turn on a light and completely change with no more doubt or questions. I knew that I would have my moments and still on occasion do where I question, let the doubt try to creep in, and sometimes I almost get the best of me. I am becoming more and more self aware which ultimately leads to healing. I haven't jumped into this thinking I am going to fix these issues asap and then they will go away and I'll be done. That's setting up an expectation I know I can't live up to, so maybe when we are starting or doing a self love journey we should focus on the process and not being healed. Be kind to yourself and when we get to the end of our journey, the world of offensive thoughts and words, excuses, and fear, just fade away.

Self Love Journey #5

At some point in time I am sure we have all heard "life is full of choices" everything you do is a choice", well its true. I am always telling the kids, "Well it sounds like you have a choice to make, or I don't know you can go several ways you just need to make that choice". When they get into trouble my comment is, "well who made the choice to do that?" It also makes me crazy when one of them says, "but mom I didn't have a choice!!" My response is always..." Saying you didn't have a choice was a choice. 

Looking at your issues thinking you don't have one will get you stuck. For example thinking I don't have a choice to be happy b/c my marriage is falling apart, my weight won't come off, I have to be stressed because of bills... these thoughts are all choices we make that keep us stuck in a pattern of negative behavior instead of taking the second option. In order to get what we want in life we have to let go of what we don't want. Hanging on to stress keeps us from obtaining our goals. If you hang on to the stress of not having enough money, then you are keeping yourself from getting enough money. If you are stressed because you are overweight, sitting in front of the TV with a carton of ice cream or eating that extra piece of pizza isn't going to make that stress go away. This is where many addictions start! 

When you let go of that stress and worry you start to love yourself. Making the choice to let go, lets love in. When you let go of who you think you are supposed to be or where you are supposed to be at in your life, you can no longer blame yourself for not reaching an expectation. Releasing expectations that you haven't met in life helps you to surrender, let go of control, and open yourself up to a more happy life. Instead of trying to control how you reach your goals you are open and your goals come to you. 

We have to realize that control is formed from fear. When you consider letting go of the control its scary, the first thing that enters your mind is a fear statement. If I let go of control will everything fall apart? It very well may, but sometimes things have to fall apart so we have the opportunity to learn to be at peace when putting it back together. We can't stay yoked to what we think will happen b/c we don't know. If you put the good intention out there you will get it back. Why don't you just throw away the stress outcome and live your best life?! If you hold on and micro manage everything in your life you will live crisis to crisis and stand in the way of yourself. You will always keep yourself from true happiness. 

When you stand in your way and look to those outcomes its like looking to others to be your best self and depending on their approval to make you feel whole. It doesn't work like that. Don't look to someone else to make you want to better yourself, look to yourself. Because when that relationship starts to fail you put too much energy into what they think of you and you lost Who You Are. Many people have made me want to be a better version of me by challenging me to rise to an occasion. But all along that was false and made me stand in my own way by teaching me to people please, and not teaching me how to depend on myself to be the best version of me. 

Look your insecurities, your failures and your expectations that did not pan out in the eyes and tell them you are enough let it know that it's not going to best you because you are going to be the best version of you everyday. You are making a choice to focus on how you want to feel instead of controlling how you feel. Once you start to focus on how you want to feel you begin to let go of the things that keep you from feeling that way. I want to feel comfortable in my skin, I want to feel like I don't have to count every last calorie, I want to feel like I don't have to compare my body to others, I want to feel happy. So I will show up for myself and showing up for yourself everyday becomes a lifestyle not something you try and fail at.It's a simple choice. You read that right ... simple. You don't start tomorrow or in a week you simply say, "self... you deserve to feel happy and to be enough. I am making the choice to put my past behind me and let go.I will let go and let love in, let my hopes and dreams in and that will keep the fear and stress out. I chose to lovemyself so I will know how to better love those around me because I choose to be whole. Not stuck in a hole. 

Self Love Journey Day 4.... Nelson Armstrong

In trying to learn how to let go and love yourself you have to figure out how. How does one love themselves?? This has been a question I ask and try to forget b/c for me its like trying to understand what happens when we die and who God is. I can't wrap my head around that. If I love myself am I not being selfish?? I was raised by a selfish, materialistic, mother who never had enough. If I love myself, will I turn into her? I have spent a huge part of my life being extremely selfless so as I don't. I've been looking at this all wrong.

When I was a child I heard over and over, "I wish I married Nelson Armstrong, he ended up being rich and having nice things, they don't worry for anything, he asked me to marry him and I said no and now look at me". You want to know what was really fucked up about that? We weren't poor at the time... we were later, but when mom was going on about how she should have married him we were actually doing just fine. I remember sitting there saying things like, "but mom we are healthy and love each other" or  "if you married him you wouldn't have me", her answers were typically as shitty as the things she said. I grew up knowing that money was more important than me, and unless I was giving her money I was a bother. 

Now, I know she loved me. She was beaten and mentally abused by her mother, she had her own abandonment issues and never learned to love herself, but, none-the-less no child should hear things like that. Subsequently when I started working I started paying my parents bills. I had hoped that would earn her love. As a Senior in High School I was working 2 to 3 jobs just so I could do so and maybe put back for college. When I had to wait a year to go, so I could continue to save, mom was so disappointed b/c I didn't go straight away. I am rolling my eyes as I type. 

Had she married Nelson Armstrong, none of that would have happened b/c I would have never existed. In her head she would be rich and life would be carefree. Her reality was I have to control everything and everyone and because I didn't do what I should have I will make sure you do what I want you to. Obviously that didn't pan out for her either. She never learned how to be ok with her choices, instead she wanted to control everyone else's. She was so insecure with her self she allowed control to wreck her life... up until the day she died. Had she addressed her own insecurities, maybe she would have felt less like a victim. 

So it hit me today, how do I love myself? I let go of control.... that simple, it really is. I am no where near the control freak my mom was, but when I worry about money... I get a lil crazy. I never want my children to feel like I did growing up, walking on egg shells until mom's bank account is sufficient. Not to mention any time in my life I have gotten to a point where money was getting low, God always came through. It was always when I let go and gave it to God. When I did that it felt like the weight of the world was gone. I let go and I gave it to God, like we are supposed to do. How can I allow elation into my heart if I am holding on to something I can't control?? 

I do have a diminutive list of things I am a control freak over. It's mostly organization, and when my husband and I are arguing and I want to fix it then move on, and he wants to wait then wait and maybe a wait a little more, I bare down. Maybe for him that is a point of control, it certainly is bringing no one solace, so yet another example of how control robs us of having true bliss in our hearts. Let go and let God is what they say. It's not easy, but I do have proven results. So why do I continue to hold on so hard??? 

Fear, fear is what makes me hold on and the "what ifs". That's not going to work anymore. Identifying it gives me no excuse to continue the reverence of letting go. Holding on to control makes me feel like I have a direction and what it really does is send me into chaos. Anything could happen at any time and wipe everything away. I have no control over that. I do however, have control of how I bob and weave through what life hands me. If I could get through the hell I went through with my parents care and death and not try to control everything around me, most everthing else really seems pale in comparison. 

Trying to control things in life by giving too much and not allowing anyone to give back is how I have tried to control not turning into my mom. If I sacrifice, and give, and give, sacrifice some more and take nothing for myself, I can control not turning into my mom. If I hate money and wealth then I can control not depending on it for my own happiness. It simply is not how things work is it? If I give and allow life to give back I open my heart to an elation that will fill it to the brim. After all it takes a stronger person to ask for help. Sometimes I do need help, I have always found a way to help myself, but maybe its okay to let someone be there for me for once. 

I desperately need someone to be there for me now, my sister has been such a shoulder but I know, I can't depend on just her. When help is offered I will be vulnerable and accept it. Maybe allowing someone to help me satisfies a need in them, maybe they have been through what I am going though, maybe I was there for them and they simply want to be there for me. What ever it may be, I have to let go and let love and peace into my heart and trust that I know the boundary of what is selfish and what is self love.