My new years resolution this year was to really look at myself and change or at least start working on some of my annoying flaws. What is better about getting it out then writing about them. My Nana would probably frown upon this post and my mom will probably be embarrassed that I am putting all of my bad traits out there...but honestly one good thing about me is I have brass balls and don't care what people think. I do care however, how I treat people. I don't want to come across as a bitch, snob, or pious, bragger, a 1 upper...aaaand I know I am guilty of all of those. So since new years I have been asking ppl randomly what is some of the stuff that I do that is annoying and unnecessary, after I got my little list I looked and am still looking inward to see why I am like this and what I can do to fix it. I guess you can't fix something unless you know why.
Me always one upping people and being competitive is I know from childhood. I was always made to compete with my brother, he was in swimming lessons, he got to be in the gifted kids class, he was given his first car, never got in trouble for not doing his chores...just Chris this and that and my grandmother (mom's mom) even said to my face he was her favorite. It was so bad that my Nana felt so sorry for me that she over compensated by doing extra for me. Of Course that made my parents angry and felt it wasn't fair to who.....my brother. When my sister decided to get married 3 months before me (even though I had been planning mine for months) my mother dropped me like a hot potato to help her. There is more but I don't want any ones pity. So, for the most part even though I truly love my siblings I think the "your brother does this why can't you" and "well your sister has some issues and needs some extra attention" has made me so competitive b/c I want to be seen and heard. It was always "your brother does this why can't you" or before he started doing poorly in school "oh look at how awesome your brothers project is...it would prob be to hard for you". All the while I am like hello!! I am making straight A's I won the schools reading contest...my art work was put on display in an art show and won first place...my iq tests were off the charts...oh but, I'm not that special.
It was a frustrating way to grow up but gave me this drive to be better than everyone around me at everything just so maybe my parents would actually admit that I have talents, that I am special to them, and I wanted to be seen. I think this drive can be good and bad. It can be good in the business world to get me ahead in life, it can be good if I am playing sports...but it can be bad in relationships, friendships....first impressions. When someone I have never met aside from hanging out with on vacation for a couple of days noticed it...I need to fix it. Oh man then you think "I bet everyone thinks I am a total ass"...ugh I'm not I swear, I just need to work on my self esteem...yeah I said it as much as I hate to admit it. It has nothing to do with anyone but me, its not how others feel about me but how I feel about myself.
The next big ole giant neon light of a flaw is how quick I am to push someone away and not let people get close. My kids are at the very core of my heart and so is God. Since my divorce, Lee has gotten closer then any man I have ever known. I think I have felt hurt (not being a victim) so many times by ppl I love I have built up walls...big thick walls. So I will let you get so close...but that's it. I know some of it is I have unrealistic expectations of ppl and if you don't meet that expectation I push. I know I get that from my parents having unrealistic expectations of me, my ex-husband had unrealistic expectations, at some point I became the same way. I can't expect everyone to think like me. If it has ever made someone feel like they have to lie to me....please don't. It's my problem not yours so be honest with me.
Thats the last thing I will touch base on with this blog...I hate with a passion being lied to. I was recently, Friday to be specific. It's prob the 4th or 5th time thanks to Face Book they have been busted lying to me. You wanna see me push someone away fast...lie to me. There is no sense in it. I'm not going to judge, if I don't agree with the truth it's my problem but I respect ppl who can be honest when its hard to be then take the easy road and lie. Ppl who feel compelled to lie about both small and large stuff have a problem, lying to protect themselves, look good, gain financially or socially and avoid punishment. I know this type of liar has to a certain extent deluded himself and wants to be pitied. I don't feel sorry for ppl who can't be honest. It's not snobbery, it's not an unrealistic expectation...it's respect.
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