I know people are probably tired of hearing about my daddy. Well tough shit... it's how I keep him alive and I wish everyone on this planet knew him. To know Jim Richardson was to know love. I've always said he was the one person by his actions, that taught me what the love of Jesus was really about. I know I am not the only person he gave that gift to. He swore like a sailor, he certainly wasn't perfect, but in his actions he gave perfect love. James 2 : 1-4 always makes me think of the first time he showed me what true love was to where I understood. “My brothers and sisters, do you with your acts of favoritism really believe in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ? For if a person with gold rings and in fine clothes comes into your assembly, and if a poor person in dirty clothes also comes in, and if you take notice of the one wearing the fine clothes and say, “Have a seat here, please,” while to the one who is poor you say, “Stand there,” or, “Sit at my feet,” have you not made distinctions among yourselves, and become judges with evil thoughts?”
As a child we attended a very small church in downtown Atlanta. Not in the best neighborhood, but it's a "mission state" and there aren't very many churches of this denomination. So, we took what we could get. I miss this church. I always say I can walk the halls in my head like I was there yesterday. The smell of crayons and playdoh immediately take me back to Sunday School and coloring a rainbow Jesus floating in yellow clouds. (I was into technicolor.) I knew who had candy in their pocket, who would give me a quarter for a gum ball, and I knew that sitting next to daddy was way more fun than sitting next to mom.
One Sunday I was sitting with daddy and he kept looking back behind him. Mom was talking to everyone in-front of her as she usually did no clue as to what was going on. I turned to look at what had his interest over playing " Pull my finger" and there stood a knarley looking guy covered in tattoo's. I am not going to lie he looked scary. We also had another family come in that was visiting and several people got up to welcome them and talk to them. Daddy sat there shaking his head frustrated, and said, "I'll be right back". I watched him go up to the scary guy and start talking to him. Daddy came walking back to our pew with him and introduced us. He smiled and the warmth of that smile showed me a humble curious man. He told him he would love for him to sit with our family if he could deal with restless children through the service. He agreed and sat between me and mom.
Now, before I finish, this day and age what would one think? Ask yourself and answer honestly, would you go up to the tattoo'd man rough around the edges, walls up, and hardened by life? Would you ask him to sit with your children and wife? Would you even bother to ask him his name?
I couldn't tell you what the service was about that day, I was too busy staring at this poor guy, fascinated with his tattoo's, and he was probably extremely uncomfortable with this tiny toe-headed girl wanting to hold his hand and trace his tat's. When the service was over several people came up to him and introduced themselves, asked him questions, and thanked him for coming in. Daddy, well... he went that extra mile and for him it was an effortless second nature. He asked him to come to lunch and to come back next Sunday. While he couldn't go to lunch he came back that next Sunday and the Sunday after for a couple of months.
At the end of every sermon we ask people to come down and ask for prayers, or if one is ready to take on the Lord in baptism that is their opportunity. One special Sunday, my tattoo'd wall's up, hardened by life friend got up and walked down the aisle. We had no idea what was fixing to happen. He asked our preacher if he could speak before he was baptized. Of course Jack who was an amazing preacher was happy to let him tell his story.
The day he showed up at our church, he was just released from prison for attempted murder and drug charges. He had been in jail for quite sometime and upon his release he knew he wanted to change his life and understand what God was about. He had read the Bible in jail and thought Jesus was a pretty awesome guy, but he also knew the rejection he might have to face and his fear of that rejection b/c of his appearance. In the past Christians had never been kind to him. They treated him as something they found repulsive and could be very inhumane. He didn't understand if they followed this guy Jesus who showed love to everyone, forgave those that murdered him while he was suffering slowly dying on a cross, how they could be so cold and cruel to him.
As scared as he was to cross that threshold he did, and he went home and cried that day for the first time in his life, because a man who had every reason to fear him held out his hand to love him. It made him want to know more, want to change his life and want to share that love with others. So that day he was baptized. It was amazing! Daddy cried, mom cried, I was so excited because he was a new man. When he raised up out of that water he hugged Jack so hard he was just as covered in water. Man... how freaking powerful is that? I can't even type this and not melt into a puddle and feel like my heart could explode.
He continued to sit with us until one day the church disbanded and we all had to go our separate ways. I honestly in the haze and angst of being a teen had forgotten him. Boys came along, the drama followed, life happened and it wasn't until my daddies funeral I was reminded. Jack told the story first, of my dad and the tattoo'd man that was rough around the edges, walls up, hardened by life. In a rush it all came back to me. How could I have forgotten that and the lesson he taught everyone in that building that day?
Daddy was my greatest example of unconditional love. People had turned their back on him, judged him, and hurt him time and time again, but he never stopped loving anyone. I can think of no lesson more valuable to give your child than that of unconditional love. In life it is easy to accept the clean person who looks like the ideal of what we think one should be. We seem to have a thing for the rich and famous, desiring to see their homes, wanting to know about their personal lives, following them on social media, while we sometimes ignore the poor and drive by the homeless.While not extending a hand to the man wanting to be loved and to know God. God makes no distinctions with people with regard to wealth. He loves us all the same. He loves His children because of who we are, not because of what we’re worth, and He wants us to do exactly the same.
My dad was the greatest man I have ever known because he changed lives. He had no money, but he had heart. He took in those who needed love the most with no care of what they had, b/c who we are is children of God. He was never concerned about his own self worth but giving that worth to others. No matter how much we are hurt by others we can still show them love. We can't make anyone take it , but we can make sure no matter what we give it. It's what he did. It's what James saw Jesus do, it is the example we are commanded to live by. It's also much more easy to love than it is to hate. While we can throw up our walls and refuse to be vulnerable, it really is the hard way. It might seem easier to not try, but we miss so many opportunities to change the world around us for the better.
Wednesday, October 17, 2018
Tuesday, October 9, 2018
Happily Ever After... Yeah no
Today I got an email from some heath website I subscribe to ...( mainly to tell me how to look younger and live longer, ahhhh vanity....) "How to Have Your Happily Ever After". These are the three most dangerous words you can use, it completely stunts emotional maturity and growth. There is no such thing as happily ever after and there never will be. Me personally, I don't really buy into the soulmate theory, I think it also ultimately sets us up for failure.
That doesn't mean I have entered into relationships with a view of pessimism, moreover a realist view that marriage is tough, ugly, and at no time is it 50/50. However, marriage is also a wonderful relationship that when done right makes you want to grow and better yourself and share that journey. Its by far the most difficult relationship in the world which is why it fails more often than other relationships.
Back to the article, the first thing I called bullshit on real fast was.... people who are in love with each other don't fight. Pfft, I think I even said, "BULLSHIT" out loud when I read that. Lemme just go ahead and tell ya something, I love my husband and we fight. We have some good ones, and sometimes we have had fights that make us both want to walk the fuck out and quit. Sometimes I miss being a single mom and alone, it was so much easier, but the reality of it is, you love someone, you work at it. If you took a vow for better or worse, sometimes there is a lot more worse than better, but you work to make it better. Giving up is weak and unless its due to betrayal/ cheating, its for pussies.
The second thing that got me triggered is, if you work hard enough things will improve. That's not true... like at all. I was cheated on in my first marriage, and I allowed several chances to work things out. I worked my ass off through therapy, and applying what I learned and it still failed. Like went down in flames, to a fiery crash and massive explosion. I wasn't the perfect model wife. I had my hangups and I was young, overly idealistic, and immature. I used my anger as a weapon of marriage destruction in my own way b/c I was mad at myself . I didn't get my happily ever after I was promised as a child. You work and work and work, and then the writing is on the wall... and that sucks, but painful endings ultimately lead to new beginnings.
The third point was, if someone loves you they will stay. Urm, newp... wronggo. I have never doubted at any point in my life that my first husband loved me, just as my husband now loves me, but love isn't and will never be enough. It sucks like hell when that realization smacks you in the back of the head like a wrecking ball of emotion. Love is a big part of it, but so is trust, empathy, honesty, patience, forgiveness, WISDOM, intimacy, and maturity.... being a whole person. What is it my therapist said once... something along the lines of it takes two whole people to make a marriage work? Sounds about right. You have to enact and have all of those to get through the hard times.
Telling our children especially our daughters or giving them the expectation that one day you will find your soul mate and live happily ever after is setting them up for failure. I believe it is why people ultimately begin to lack patience and look outside of their marriages for happiness to make them whole. Your strength and wholeness isn't found in other people, it is found in you and until that is realized one may have a difficult time in relationships. I've told my children so many times, marriage is hard, but it shouldn't be hard all the time. Marriage can be painful and gut wrenching, but it shouldn't be like that all the time. Marriage takes work and honesty on both sides at all times coupled with healthy boundaries. There will be times when you go through the motions, that's normal.... waves come in, then they go out.
I've noticed more so now than ever people looking outside their marriage to fill that hole of the easy happily ever after, it all seems that way in the beginning. Instead of sharing whats missing and whats needed for a happy marriage people are giving up and going for the easy, swinging from tree to tree, and devastating the one they loved and made a vow to. It's the worst thing one can do in their marriage. If you aren't prepared for hard times, or sometimes not liking the person you married, going through the motions, knowing it won't always be perfection, marriage may not be your bag baby. If you are ready for the journey and know what its going to take, then make the leap.
You have to be tolerant and you have to be accepting. People have expectations of who they want their partner to be rather than allowing them to be themselves. To accept them for who they are is to love them for who they are. You can’t have conditions under which you will love your partner. Don't lose your intimacy, emotional and physical. Its a marriage killer, and its rare that a utilitarian marriage makes it through the long haul. Let's however, not kid ourselves or our children in the lie that the fairy tale is real.
That doesn't mean I have entered into relationships with a view of pessimism, moreover a realist view that marriage is tough, ugly, and at no time is it 50/50. However, marriage is also a wonderful relationship that when done right makes you want to grow and better yourself and share that journey. Its by far the most difficult relationship in the world which is why it fails more often than other relationships.
Back to the article, the first thing I called bullshit on real fast was.... people who are in love with each other don't fight. Pfft, I think I even said, "BULLSHIT" out loud when I read that. Lemme just go ahead and tell ya something, I love my husband and we fight. We have some good ones, and sometimes we have had fights that make us both want to walk the fuck out and quit. Sometimes I miss being a single mom and alone, it was so much easier, but the reality of it is, you love someone, you work at it. If you took a vow for better or worse, sometimes there is a lot more worse than better, but you work to make it better. Giving up is weak and unless its due to betrayal/ cheating, its for pussies.
The second thing that got me triggered is, if you work hard enough things will improve. That's not true... like at all. I was cheated on in my first marriage, and I allowed several chances to work things out. I worked my ass off through therapy, and applying what I learned and it still failed. Like went down in flames, to a fiery crash and massive explosion. I wasn't the perfect model wife. I had my hangups and I was young, overly idealistic, and immature. I used my anger as a weapon of marriage destruction in my own way b/c I was mad at myself . I didn't get my happily ever after I was promised as a child. You work and work and work, and then the writing is on the wall... and that sucks, but painful endings ultimately lead to new beginnings.
The third point was, if someone loves you they will stay. Urm, newp... wronggo. I have never doubted at any point in my life that my first husband loved me, just as my husband now loves me, but love isn't and will never be enough. It sucks like hell when that realization smacks you in the back of the head like a wrecking ball of emotion. Love is a big part of it, but so is trust, empathy, honesty, patience, forgiveness, WISDOM, intimacy, and maturity.... being a whole person. What is it my therapist said once... something along the lines of it takes two whole people to make a marriage work? Sounds about right. You have to enact and have all of those to get through the hard times.
Telling our children especially our daughters or giving them the expectation that one day you will find your soul mate and live happily ever after is setting them up for failure. I believe it is why people ultimately begin to lack patience and look outside of their marriages for happiness to make them whole. Your strength and wholeness isn't found in other people, it is found in you and until that is realized one may have a difficult time in relationships. I've told my children so many times, marriage is hard, but it shouldn't be hard all the time. Marriage can be painful and gut wrenching, but it shouldn't be like that all the time. Marriage takes work and honesty on both sides at all times coupled with healthy boundaries. There will be times when you go through the motions, that's normal.... waves come in, then they go out.
I've noticed more so now than ever people looking outside their marriage to fill that hole of the easy happily ever after, it all seems that way in the beginning. Instead of sharing whats missing and whats needed for a happy marriage people are giving up and going for the easy, swinging from tree to tree, and devastating the one they loved and made a vow to. It's the worst thing one can do in their marriage. If you aren't prepared for hard times, or sometimes not liking the person you married, going through the motions, knowing it won't always be perfection, marriage may not be your bag baby. If you are ready for the journey and know what its going to take, then make the leap.
You have to be tolerant and you have to be accepting. People have expectations of who they want their partner to be rather than allowing them to be themselves. To accept them for who they are is to love them for who they are. You can’t have conditions under which you will love your partner. Don't lose your intimacy, emotional and physical. Its a marriage killer, and its rare that a utilitarian marriage makes it through the long haul. Let's however, not kid ourselves or our children in the lie that the fairy tale is real.
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